When you hear the word “narcissist,” what kind of person do you imagine? Loud? Arrogant? Boastful? A hothead with a constant need to be on top? In short, someone who is the complete opposite of you? That’s the thing about covert narcissists—they don’t fit the stereotype. They are quiet, gentle, and yes, very narcissistic, but you don’t see it at first.
They don’t brag or dominate like their overt (extroverted) narcissistic counterparts. Instead, they use other methods such as guilt, passive aggression, and emotional blackmail to keep others playing into their hands. In a romantic partnership, family, or friendship, they want what they want and will leave you feeling anxious, confused, and second-guessing yourself.
If you find yourself constantly at the end of your rope emotionally because of someone who seems “so nice” but is really “all about them,” then this post is for you.
Signs of Covert Narcissism in Everyday Relationships
1. They Constantly Play the Victim
A good way to recognize covert narcissism is by noticing if the person you’re dealing with is always the victim. They rarely take responsibility for their actions. They’ll find a way to blame someone else, something else, or some recurring misfortune. You may hear things like, “I try so hard, but people always let me down,” or “No one ever appreciates what I do.”
This is one of the defining traits of covert narcissism. At first, you’ll feel sorry for them. You may try even harder to reassure or comfort them, but you’ll soon realize that it never ends. No matter what you do, they always seem to be “wronged” by something. They are constantly “hurt” or “sad,” and you’ll begin to feel compelled to make them feel better—even when you know deep down that their behavior isn’t normal.
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2. They Use Guilt as a Weapon
Guilt-tripping is one of the covert narcissist’s favorite tactics. They don’t need to yell or demand attention. Instead, they use subtle guilt to manipulate. You’ll hear things like, “I guess you’re too busy for me now,” or “I didn’t expect you to understand. You’ve never really cared about me anyway.”
They do this so that you’ll start feeling selfish or unkind for setting boundaries or having your own needs. Over time, you begin to doubt your right to say “no,” and you end up giving more and more just to keep them happy.
A healthy person can accept disappointment or compromise. A covert narcissist makes you feel bad for even suggesting it.
Related: 9 Ways Your Body Tells You You’re in the Wrong Relationship
3. They Crave Validation but Pretend Not To
Covert narcissists often disguise their need for attention as modesty or self-deprecation. They may put themselves down just to be reassured by you. For example, they might say, “I’m terrible at everything,” followed by a long silence, waiting for you to contradict them.
They live on a constant supply of validation from those around them. You become responsible for keeping their self-esteem intact. Without reassurance, they become sulky or emotionally withdrawn until you give it again. This pattern makes you feel responsible for their happiness, but the truth is that no amount of validation will ever be enough.
Related: How To Turn The Table In A Relationship
4. They Have a Superiority Complex Hidden Behind Insecurity
Covert narcissists often appear insecure, shy, or self-critical. But underneath that insecurity lies a deep sense of superiority. They see themselves as more sensitive, more intelligent, or more misunderstood than everyone else.
You might notice them subtly dismissing others’ opinions or acting as though no one else truly “gets” them. They may talk as if others are too shallow or unkind to appreciate their “depth.” Their insecurity isn’t humility—it’s a performance designed to keep them on a higher moral or emotional pedestal. They may not brag openly, but they often believe they’re the “better” person for not doing so.
Related: How To Survive A Sexless Relationship
5. They Give with Strings Attached
At first glance, a covert narcissist may seem generous or selfless, but their giving always comes with strings attached. They’ll offer help, favors, or emotional support, but there’s always an unspoken expectation in return.
When you don’t react the way they hoped, they’ll say things like, “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” or “I can’t believe you’re being so ungrateful.”
Their kindness isn’t genuine—it’s emotional currency meant to buy loyalty, admiration, or control. Healthy people give out of love. Covert narcissists give to manipulate and emotionally entrap you.
Related: Why Do We Experience a Longing Feeling in a Relationship?
6. They Struggle to Handle Criticism
Constructive criticism is unbearable for most covert narcissists. While overt narcissists may explode in anger, covert ones shut down or act wounded and self-pitying.
They’re not reacting to what you said—they’re deflecting it back at you. By making you feel guilty for expressing yourself, they train you to stay silent. Before long, you find yourself apologizing constantly, even when you’ve done nothing wrong. You walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting them, which is exactly how they maintain control without ever appearing aggressive.
7. They Create Emotional Confusion
Communication with a covert narcissist often leaves you feeling dazed and unsure of yourself. One day they’re loving and affectionate; the next, they’re cold or distant. They might tell you they love you, then act like you don’t matter.
They could compliment you in private, then mock or embarrass you in public. This inconsistency keeps you chasing the “good” version of them, wondering what you did wrong. You start thinking things like, “Maybe I’m too sensitive,” or “Did I misinterpret that?”
But you didn’t. The confusion is intentional. By keeping you emotionally off-balance, they maintain power over you.
Related: Healing After a Narcissistic Relationship Boundaries
8. They Are Passive-Aggressive
Covert narcissists dislike confrontation but still want control. So they use passive aggression—quiet resistance—to get back at you.
Examples include:
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Ignoring your calls or texts to punish you.
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Doing something they know will upset you, then pretending it was an accident.
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Offering backhanded compliments like, “You’re actually smarter than you look.”
These small acts of sabotage create a toxic environment where you feel constantly on edge. They get to punish you without ever appearing “mean.”
9. They Lack Genuine Empathy
Covert narcissists can appear empathetic and kind—especially at the beginning. They may mirror your emotions so well that you believe they truly care. But their empathy only lasts as long as it benefits them.
They comfort you when it makes them look good, but vanish when you genuinely need support. They also twist your pain into their own: “I know you’re hurting, but imagine how hard this is for me.”
True empathy involves mutual care. Covert narcissists mimic empathy just long enough to gain your trust, then use it to manipulate you.
10. They Disguise Control as “Care”
Control is another hallmark of covert narcissism, often disguised as concern. They say things like, “I just want what’s best for you,” followed by comments that undermine your confidence.
If you talk about starting a new hobby, they might say, “You’re too trusting. People will take advantage of you.” If you mention going out with friends, they might reply, “Why waste your time? You should focus on what matters—us.”
Slowly, their “care” isolates you until your world revolves entirely around them.
11. They Rewrite Reality
When confronted, covert narcissists twist the truth to make themselves look innocent. This form of manipulation is known as gaslighting.
For example:
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You tell them a comment hurt you, and they reply, “I never said that.”
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You mention a broken promise, and they say, “You must be imagining things.”
Over time, you start doubting your memory and questioning your own sanity. You rely more and more on their version of reality—exactly what they want.
12. They Hide Behind Morality or Sensitivity
Many covert narcissists pride themselves on being “good people.” They talk about morality, spirituality, or emotional intelligence, but only to elevate themselves above others.
You might hear them say, “I’m just more in touch with my emotions than most people,” or “I can’t stand fake people who lack empathy.”
Their moral superiority becomes a shield that justifies their actions. They aren’t truly good; they just want to be seen as good.
13. You Feel Drained After Interacting with Them
Being around a covert narcissist is exhausting. They drain your emotional energy, leaving you anxious, guilty, or on edge. You replay conversations in your mind, wondering what you did wrong.
Healthy relationships leave you feeling secure and valued. Narcissistic ones leave you feeling small and inadequate. If you constantly feel like you’re failing someone who’s never satisfied, you may be dealing with a covert narcissist.
Breaking the Cycle
Recognizing covert narcissism is the first step toward healing. The second is reclaiming your sense of self.
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Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it probably is.
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Set boundaries. You have the right to say “no” without explanation.
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Stop over-explaining. Narcissists thrive on emotional reactions—don’t give them any.
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Seek support. Talk to trusted friends or a therapist.
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Detach emotionally. Their approval isn’t your responsibility.
Covert narcissists feed on confusion and guilt. Once you stop supplying those, their control begins to fade.
Final Thoughts
Covert narcissism doesn’t announce itself. It hides behind quiet smiles, sad stories, and half-hearted apologies. Yet it’s just as harmful as any other form of emotional manipulation.
Recognizing it for S what it is gives you back your power and self-respect. You don’t owe anyone endless empathy only for them to weaponize it against you. Real love doesn’t drain you or make you doubt your worth—it builds you up.
If what you’re experiencing leaves you confused, small, and constantly apologizing, it isn’t love. It’s control disguised as care—and you deserve better than that.
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