Narcissism and similar words surrounding it are often misunderstood. People have likely uttered the phrase that someone was narcissistic just because they were confident or even self-centered.
However, it is far more complex when it comes to true narcissism, especially when the case falls within Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
When you love someone with a narcissistic personality—be it a friend, partner, parent, or sibling—and feel obliged to care, you may end up in a dilemma of pitying this narcissist or being tired of him/her.
On the one hand, you would like to help them. Conversely, they might exhaust, irritate, or even hurt you due to their actions.
How in the world do we actually assist a narcissistic personality without becoming narcissistic ourselves? We can break it down into practical, compassionate, and realistic steps.
Understand What Narcissism Actually Is
Unless you know what you are working with, you cannot offer assistance to someone with narcissistic traits.
There is a scale of narcissism. Narcissistic individuals do not necessarily exhibit a full-blown personality disorder, but many of them demonstrate behaviors that can be problematic in relationships.
Common traits include:
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Strong desire for validation and approval.
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Inability to deal with criticism.
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Lack of empathy or inability to put yourself in another person’s place.
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Entitlement and an inflated sense of self-importance.
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Fragile self-esteem concealed behind confidence.
Narcissism is typically a defense mechanism at its base. Narcissistic individuals found at an early age that it was not safe to be vulnerable.
Therefore, they constructed a fortification of pride, dominance, or beauty to protect themselves from embarrassment and rejection.
Once you acknowledge that most of their actions are driven by insecurity and not true strength, you begin to treat them differently.
Related: How To Respond to a Narcissistic Parent
Why Helping a Narcissistic Person Is Complex
Being completely honest, helping a narcissistic individual is not the same as assisting a friend who struggles with stress or depression.
Denial often goes hand in hand with narcissism. Many do not even consider that they have any problem. And when they do, they are often resistant to change, as any admission threatens their self-image.
This does not mean that change is impossible, but it does mean the process has to be slow, limited, and rooted in reality.
Related: 5 Traits Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Have in Common
How to Assist a Narcissistic Individual
1. Be the First to Lead with Empathy
Directly calling someone a narcissist almost always backfires. It makes them defensive and closes off any possibility of progress.
Instead, empathize with them. Try to look beyond their actions and see the pain and fear that motivate them.
Instead of saying:
“You’re so selfish. You never consider other people but yourself.”
Say:
“When my needs are not taken into consideration, I feel hurt. I would like you to do that.”
You are not excusing their behavior, but framing it in a way that encourages discussion rather than confrontation.
Related: How To Respond To Narcissistic People
2. Suggest Professional Help Gently
The best way narcissistic people can truly change is through therapy. However, here lies the challenge: most are unwilling to seek therapy because it feels like admitting something is wrong with them. Instead of pushing the idea forcefully, suggest it gently.
For example:
“I’ve noticed you’ve been stressed lately. Talking with someone might help support you.”
Or, if they’re open to growth:
“People see coaches or therapists to strengthen their relationships and build confidence. Maybe that could help.”
Empowerment, not punishment, is the key when suggesting therapy.
3. Set and Enforce Boundaries
Helping does not mean accepting mistreatment or manipulation. Boundaries are essential when their actions hurt you. Boundaries do not punish them; they protect you and define the structure of the relationship.
For example:
“I don’t feel okay when you yell at me. If that happens, I’ll step away from the conversation.”
“I will listen to your concerns, but I will not be pressured.”
Consistency is crucial. If you set a boundary and fail to stick to it, they won’t respect it.
Related; How To Set Boundaries With A Narcissist
4. Reinforce Positive Behavior
Narcissistic people crave validation. While you should not reward unhealthy behavior, you can reinforce positive actions. When they show empathy, kindness, or compromise, acknowledge it.
For example:
“I appreciated how you listened to me earlier. It made me feel heard.”
This strengthens desirable behavior.
5. Don’t Take Things Personally
One of the hardest parts of dealing with a narcissistic individual is separating their actions from your worth. They may judge you, dismiss your feelings, or blame you. Remember: this reflects their insecurity, not your value.
Instead of internalizing the criticism, remind yourself:
“This is their struggle, not mine.”
6. Model Healthy Behavior
Sometimes the best way to influence a narcissist is through example. Demonstrate empathy, respect, and humility. Speak directly, handle conflicts calmly, and treat them as you would want to be treated.
They may not reflect your behavior immediately, but over time, it sets a standard they cannot ignore.
7. Know Your Limits
The harsh reality is this: you cannot “fix” a narcissist. Change must come from them. Your role is to support, not to sacrifice your entire well-being.
If helping begins to harm your mental health, stepping back is not wrong. In some cases, the best help you can offer is refusing to enable toxic behavior.
Things You Should Avoid
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Avoid power struggles. Competing with a narcissist only fuels conflict.
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Don’t self-diagnose them. Even if they match everything you’ve read online, only a licensed mental health professional can diagnose NPD.
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Don’t abandon your own needs. Helping them should never mean neglecting yourself.
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Avoid constant criticism. It rarely creates change and usually makes them defensive.
When Helping Isn’t Enough
Sometimes, despite patience and empathy, the relationship remains toxic. If they refuse to change, violate your boundaries, or harm you, you may need to reconsider your involvement.
Walking away does not always mean abandoning them—it means protecting your own health. Sometimes the greatest act of love is allowing them to face the consequences of their actions.
Final Thoughts
Helping a narcissistic person is a delicate balance between empathy and self-preservation. Change is possible, but it is slow, and they must be willing to participate in it. Helping does not mean losing yourself—it means maintaining your boundaries while extending support.
Keep in mind:
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Show empathy, but correct bad behavior.
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Suggest professional help without forcing it.
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Protect your boundaries and your peace.
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Reinforce growth whenever possible.
You can love a narcissistic person without losing yourself. Sometimes, the best way to help them is by being the strongest, healthiest version of yourself.
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