Relationships with narcissistic people can be complicated, confusing, and emotionally exhausting. Narcissists are experts at manipulation and use subtle tactics to get people to do what they want. One of the most powerful weapons in a narcissist’s arsenal is their choice of words. Narcissists love to twist language and use specific phrases designed to manipulate, guilt, and confuse others into submission.
Narcissists are masters of sneaky and manipulative language that sounds innocent, reasonable, or even caring on the surface, but is actually serving their own selfish interests. Here are seven sneaky things narcissists say, how to spot them, and what they really mean.
7 Sneaky Things Narcissists Say
1. “You’re Just Overreacting”
This is a classic narcissistic line that aims to make the other person feel like they’re blowing things out of proportion or making a big deal out of nothing.
When a narcissist tells you that you’re overreacting, they are essentially trying to belittle your feelings, opinions, and concerns. The narcissist doesn’t want you to get too upset or angry at them, so they use this phrase to make you feel silly for even thinking or feeling that way.
How it manifests:
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You could be upset, hurt, or disappointed about something they said or did, and they respond by telling you that you’re overreacting. This can happen in a variety of situations, whether it’s something as small as not getting your way or as serious as infidelity or abuse.
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They may use this phrase in a mocking or condescending tone, or they might say it earnestly as if they truly believe you’re overreacting. In either case, they want you to question your own emotions and doubt yourself.
What they mean:
The narcissist is trying to minimize the validity of your feelings and make you feel like you’re the problem. This also lets them off the hook for their behavior because they can claim it wasn’t that bad or important to you.
Why it’s dangerous:
Repeatedly being told you’re overreacting by a narcissist can make you start to believe it. This not only undermines your own emotions and self-worth, but it also makes it harder for you to stand up for yourself in the future. Plus, it’s a classic gaslighting technique that’s all about manipulation and control.
Related; 34 Things Narcissists Say to Get You Back
2. “I’m Only Doing This for You”
A narcissist will say this phrase to make you feel like they are selflessly helping you or doing something for your benefit. In reality, they are often doing something to make themselves feel better or to get something out of you in return.
How it manifests:
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They might offer you help or support when they really want something in return, like a favor or reciprocation. For example, a narcissist might tell you they’re only buying you dinner because they want you to cover their portion of the bill.
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Or they might “help” you with something, only to turn around and guilt-trip you into doing something for them.
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They might even use this phrase in more serious situations, like when they’re cheating or lying. They’ll claim they’re only doing it for you, when really they’re just being selfish.
What they mean:
The narcissist is trying to create a sense of obligation or indebtedness. They want you to feel like you owe them something in return for their “generosity.”
Why it’s dangerous:
Constantly being put in a position where you feel like you owe someone can be very unhealthy for your mental and emotional well-being. Plus, it sets up a very unbalanced dynamic where the narcissist always has the upper hand.
Related: How To Respond To Narcissistic Manipulation
3. “I Was Just Joking”
This is a classic excuse that narcissists use when they say something mean, hurtful, or offensive. They claim they were just joking or being playful, but in reality, they have no respect for your feelings and are just trying to get away with what they said.
How it manifests:
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They make a cutting or hurtful remark about you, then turn around and say, “I was just joking.” They may even act offended when you take their words seriously.
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For example, a narcissist might say something like, “You’re so ugly, I can’t believe I dated you.” Then, when you’re understandably upset, they say, “I was just kidding, why are you taking this so seriously?”
What they mean:
The narcissist is trying to minimize their own behavior and make you feel like you’re the one overreacting. They also know that by saying they were joking, it puts you in a difficult position. If you say something, they can claim you’re too sensitive and ruinous. If you let it go, they know they’ve gotten away with their hurtful behavior.
Why it’s dangerous:
The main problem with this excuse is that it’s a direct attack on your emotional well-being. The narcissist is essentially telling you that your feelings are not valid and that you should just let it go. This can be very damaging to your self-esteem over time, as well as create an environment where the narcissist feels free to say whatever they want without consequence.
Related: 9 Weaknesses Of Narcissists
4. “I Can’t Believe You’d Think That About Me”
This is another classic gaslighting phrase that narcissists use to make you question your own judgment and sanity. They know you believe and trust them, so they say something outrageous or hurtful to make you question your own feelings and perceptions.
How it manifests:
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They might say something hurtful or insulting to you and then turn around and act like they’re the victim. For example, a narcissist might call you fat or lazy, then say, “I can’t believe you would think I’m saying this.”
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Or they might accuse you of something you didn’t do, then turn around and act like you’re attacking them. This can make it very difficult to ever trust what they say.
What they mean:
The narcissist is trying to make you feel guilty or ashamed for thinking that way about them. They also want to make you question your own perceptions, so they can continue to gaslight and manipulate you.
Why it’s dangerous:
Constantly having your feelings and perceptions questioned by the person you love can be incredibly damaging to your mental and emotional health. It can also make it very difficult to ever trust what they say, which will only drive a wedge between you two.
Related: 7 Things Narcissists Don’t Want You To Know
5. “You’re Lucky to Have Me”
This phrase is often used by narcissists as a way to get you to do what they want. They know you want to please them, so they’ll say something like this to make you feel guilty or obligated to do their bidding.
How it manifests:
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They might make you feel like you’re lucky or fortunate to be in the relationship, which can pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do. Or they might say this when you’re upset with them, as a way of guilt-tripping you into changing your mind.
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For example, a narcissist might say this if you’re upset that they spent too much money on a night out. They’ll then expect you to just suck it up and take it because “you’re lucky to have me.”
What they mean:
The narcissist is trying to make you feel grateful or obligated for their presence in your life. This puts them in a position of power, where they can do whatever they want and still come out on top. They also know that by making you feel like this, you’re less likely to hold them accountable for their actions.
Why it’s dangerous:
Constantly being made to feel like you’re lucky or fortunate to be with someone is incredibly damaging to your self-esteem. It also sets up an unhealthy dynamic where the narcissist is always in control, and you’re just lucky to please them.
Related: How A Narcissist Brainwashes You
6. “You’re Too Sensitive”
This is another classic gaslighting phrase that narcissists use to make you question your own emotions. They want to make you feel like you’re overreacting or being too sensitive about something they said or did. The goal is to make you doubt your own feelings and perceptions so that you’re more likely to take the narcissist’s side in future arguments.
How it manifests:
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They might say something hurtful or dismissive of your feelings, then turn around and accuse you of being too sensitive. Or they might use this phrase in an argument as a way of dismissing what you’re saying.
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For example, a narcissist might say this if you’re upset about something they did or said. They’ll then use it as a way of dismissing your feelings, even though it was their actions that caused you to be upset in the first place.
What they mean:
The narcissist is trying to make you feel like your emotions are the problem, rather than their own actions. They also know that by saying this, they can make you doubt your own perceptions and make it more likely that you’ll take their side in the future.
Why it’s dangerous:
Constantly having your feelings and perceptions dismissed by the person you love can be very damaging to your mental and emotional health. It also makes it more likely that you’ll always defer to the narcissist’s version of events, even when it’s not true.
7. “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”
This phrase is often used by narcissists as a way to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. They know they can’t just say sorry and mean it, so they use this phrase as a way of placating you without actually changing their behavior.
How it manifests:
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They might do something hurtful or offensive, then immediately say this as if it’s an apology. Or they might use this phrase in the middle of an argument as a way of trying to diffuse the situation.
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For example, a narcissist might say this if you’re upset that they forgot your birthday. They’ll then use it as a way of avoiding taking responsibility for their mistake, even though that’s what caused you to be upset in the first place.
What they mean:
The narcissist is trying to make you feel better without actually doing anything to change the situation. They also know that by saying this, you’re less likely to challenge them on their behavior in the future.
Why it’s dangerous:
Constantly having your feelings and emotions dismissed or placated by the person you love can be very damaging to your mental and emotional health. It also sets up an unhealthy dynamic where the narcissist never has to take responsibility for their actions.
Conclusion
These are seven sneaky things that narcissists say to manipulate and control others. Narcissists love to use these types of phrases because they allow them to gaslight, deflect, and undermine the other person’s emotional well-being. If you’ve been with a narcissist for any length of time, chances are you’ve heard one or more of these phrases before.
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