A narcissist can make you feel special, listened to, and important at the beginning of a relationship before eventually leaving you feeling drained, unappreciated, or even manipulated.
If you find yourself continually drawn to narcissistic people or trapped in toxic relationships with them, it’s time to pause, take a step back, and reflect on the reasons behind this pattern.
The good news is that you can break this cycle of attraction and focus on bringing healthier, more balanced relationships into your life.
What Is a Narcissist?
Before you can stop attracting narcissists, it’s important to understand who they are and why they can seem so appealing at the start of a relationship.
A narcissist is generally defined as an individual who has an inflated sense of their own importance, a strong need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Narcissists can be incredibly charming, charismatic, and persuasive.
As such, they can often be masters at finding people to latch onto, using them for their own gain, and leaving them feeling hollow and empty once they’ve had enough. Narcissistic traits, like all personality traits, exist on a spectrum. However, narcissists tend to share the following qualities:
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Grandiosity: Narcissists often have an inflated sense of self-importance and believe they are superior to those around them.
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Manipulation: Narcissists are often skilled at manipulating people and situations to their own benefit.
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Lack of empathy: Narcissists generally have little ability to connect emotionally with others and may not understand or care about the impact of their actions on others.
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Exploitation: Narcissists typically see other people in terms of what they can gain from them, not what they can share or provide in return.
Early on in a relationship, the narcissist’s appeal and confidence can make them feel like the ideal romantic partner. However, over time, their emotional volatility, manipulation, and self-absorption become more evident, leaving their partners feeling ignored, emotionally drained, or even wounded.
Why Do You Keep Attracting Narcissists?
When it comes to understanding why you might be drawing toxic narcissistic people into your life, several factors could be at play.
1. Low Self-Esteem
If you have low self-esteem, you are more likely to seek approval and validation from others. This can make you more susceptible to narcissists, who are often charming and appear outwardly confident but can only offer superficial and fleeting validation.
Related: What To Do When Your Narcissistic Mother Dies
2. People-Pleasing Tendencies
If you tend to put the needs of others before your own or try to make everyone around you happy, you may be inadvertently attracting narcissists. Narcissists love people who are people-pleasers because they can easily manipulate and control them.
Related: How To Handle A Narcissistic Partner
3. Lack of Boundaries
If you have difficulty setting healthy boundaries for yourself, you may be more likely to be drawn in by narcissistic personalities. Narcissists thrive in environments where there are few or no boundaries because they can more easily manipulate their way into the lives of others without being challenged or resisted.
Related: How To Protect Kids From Narcissistic Parent
4. Emotional Dependence
If you have been emotionally dependent on others for your sense of identity and self-worth, you are more likely to attract people who prey on that dependence. Narcissists often look for people who are emotionally vulnerable, as they can take advantage of them without feeling any guilt or remorse.
Related: How To Heal From Narcissistic Parent
5. Unresolved Trauma
Past experiences, especially traumatic ones such as emotional neglect or abuse, can leave scars that make you more likely to attract narcissists. Your subconscious may be drawn toward people who mirror the patterns of the past in a bid to seek validation or closure that was never received.
Related: How To Respond To Narcissistic Manipulation
Signs You’re Dealing with a Narcissist
It’s important to recognize the early signs of narcissism before they take a toll on your emotional health. Some of the common warning signs to watch out for include:
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Excessive charm: Narcissists often attempt to charm people with their charisma and seemingly innocent interest in them. This is often a ploy to gain admiration or trust.
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Constant need for attention: Narcissists require constant validation and admiration. They will often dominate conversations and make everything about them.
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Gaslighting: Narcissists manipulate situations to make you question your own perception of reality. They may twist the truth to make you doubt yourself, often leading you to feel confused or insecure.
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Lack of accountability: Narcissists are generally terrible at taking responsibility for their actions. They will typically try to shift the blame onto others when things go wrong.
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Love bombing: In the early stages of a relationship, narcissists often overwhelm you with affection and attention to gain your trust, before pulling away or becoming emotionally unavailable later.
If you recognize any of these red flags, it’s important to protect yourself by setting strong boundaries and stepping away from the situation.
How to Stop Attracting Narcissists
Now that we know some of the reasons why you might be attracting narcissists, let’s look at the steps you can take to put an end to the cycle. The key is learning to recognize your worth, set healthy boundaries, and do the necessary work to heal any emotional wounds contributing to these patterns.
1. Build Your Self-Esteem
One of the first things you can do to stop attracting narcissists is to focus on building your self-esteem. Narcissists are often drawn to those who are desperate for external validation to fill an inner void. To avoid them, you must first work on recognizing your own self-worth.
Start looking for your strengths, set personal goals, and focus on learning to love yourself for who you are. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you are worthy of respect and love simply for being who you are.
2. Strengthen Your Boundaries
As we mentioned, narcissists are master manipulators, and they thrive in environments with weak or nonexistent boundaries. By learning to set strong, clear boundaries, you can protect yourself from being drawn in by narcissists. This means learning to say no when you need to, not allowing others to take advantage of your time or energy, and not feeling guilty for putting your own needs first.
Practice setting boundaries in small ways, such as refusing favors or requests that don’t align with your values. This will help you feel more confident and less likely to be taken advantage of by narcissistic individuals.
3. Trust Your Instincts
If there is one thing to take from this article, it’s that you should trust your gut feelings. Narcissists will be charming, charismatic, and persuasive. However, somewhere deep down, you may know that something isn’t quite right. Learn to trust that little voice in your head, and if you sense that something is off or are unsure about a person’s behavior, take a step back and reevaluate. Don’t ignore warning signs, and don’t allow yourself to be swayed by someone’s charm, good looks, or promises of something more.
4. Recognize and Heal Past Trauma
If you have experienced emotional abuse or neglect in the past, it is likely to have shaped the types of relationships you now choose. Narcissists can be incredibly attractive to those with unresolved trauma, as they often offer a temporary solution. However, it is essential to heal past wounds to break the cycle of repeating these patterns.
If you know that you have been through traumatic experiences in the past, consider speaking to a therapist, writing in a journal, or practicing self-reflection as ways to work through these issues. Healing can be a long process, but by understanding your emotional needs, you can avoid attracting toxic relationships in the future.
5. Surround Yourself with Supportive People
Narcissists often work hard to isolate their victims from friends and family, making it harder for those people to see what is happening. If you want to stop attracting narcissists, ensure you have a healthy support network. Surround yourself with people who respect and support you, whether they are healthy friends, family members, or mentors.
Healthy relationships will help you feel valued and prevent you from seeking validation from toxic individuals.
6. Practice Self-Reflection
Set aside time to reflect on your past relationships and ask yourself some honest questions: Why did I stay in this relationship? What was it about this person that I was attracted to? Are there any patterns I can identify that may make me vulnerable again? Honest self-reflection is an important step in breaking the cycle of attracting narcissists.
Try to identify what it was about the person or relationship that left you feeling vulnerable to their manipulation, and use this knowledge to make different choices in the future.
7. Seek Therapy if Necessary
As mentioned earlier, if you find that you are continually attracting narcissists into your life no matter how hard you try to avoid them, it may be time to seek therapy. A therapist can help you identify the underlying reasons behind your choices, provide support for your healing, and help you make better choices in the future.
Therapy is a great way to work through your emotions in a safe, nonjudgmental space. It can also help you build the skills needed to stop attracting narcissists.
Conclusion:
Breaking the cycle of attracting narcissists can be difficult, but it is not impossible. By focusing on building your self-esteem, setting strong boundaries, and recognizing past patterns, you can attract healthier, more balanced relationships.
You are worthy of love, respect, and kindness, and you can create the connections that will nurture and support your emotional health.
Take it one step at a time and be patient with yourself. Healing and personal growth take time, but by remaining focused and determined, you can protect your energy and create the space for more fulfilling and authentic relationships in your life.
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