Has it ever happened to you that you were in a relationship where everything seemed perfect at the beginning, only for things to become harmful and confusing later? It happened to me.
In my relationship with my narcissist ex-girlfriend, I had no idea what I was getting into.
She made me believe that what I was experiencing was love, but in reality, it was far from it.
In hindsight, I wish I had recognized it sooner.
Narcissists have their own way of “loving,” and understanding their version of love can help you avoid falling into the trap.
At the time, I didn’t understand narcissism.
I was caught up in the whirlwind of her attention, her praise, and her affection. Everything felt so exciting and fulfilling at the start.
She pampered me and constantly praised me, telling me I was amazing and that no one had ever treated her like I did. I believed her.
I felt special. I thought I was the one.
However, I couldn’t see through the lie—this wasn’t love; it was simply a manipulation tactic used by a narcissist to bring down their victim.
Here is my previous post about how Narcissists manipulate you.
What is Narcissistic Love?
In many ways, narcissistic love is an illusion.
A narcissist is, broadly speaking, a person who is overly focused on themselves, lacking empathy, and usually more concerned with their own needs and desires than with others’.
Their affection is not based on mutual care and emotional connection, but rather on manipulation.
In a narcissistic relationship, your partner seeks admiration, validation, and approval from you, and rarely will they have much to offer in return.
When a narcissist “loves,” it often feels as though they are simply using you to satisfy their own needs.
Their affection is transactional, based on what you can give them, not on the creation of a healthy, balanced partnership.
Their goal is to fulfill their self-centered desires and feed their inflated ego.
How Narcissists Express Love (or Their Version of It)
My narcissist ex-girlfriend made me feel like I was the most important person in the world during the beginning of our relationship.
She would text me constantly, telling me how I was everything she had been looking for, and she always found new, cute ways to compliment me.
This is called “love bombing,” and it’s a strategy narcissists use to seduce their victims and make them feel special.
It’s overwhelming, dramatic, and makes you feel like you’ve found your perfect match.
But soon, the tables began to turn. Once the idealization phase ended, her charm started to fade, and her expectations grew.
She began to demand more from me, both emotionally and physically, while simultaneously dismissing my own needs.
If I expressed a need or desire, it was quickly brushed aside, or I was made to feel guilty for not doing enough to support her.
She wasn’t necessarily uncaring, but her care had conditions. She felt good when I made her feel good.
When I couldn’t meet her expectations or react the way she wanted, her “love” was withdrawn, and the criticism began.
The Dark Side of Narcissistic Love
As time passed, I started to notice signs of emotional manipulation.
If I disagreed with her, she would twist my words, make me question my reality, and even blame me for things I hadn’t done.
This is called gaslighting—a psychological manipulation tactic where the narcissist makes you doubt your own perceptions and sanity. Here is my previous post about how to turn the table on a gaslighter.
Eeeeem! Back to the story.
There were many instances where I ended up apologizing, even when I hadn’t done anything wrong.
The relationship became a rollercoaster of highs and lows.
One moment, I was being praised for being a wonderful person, and the next, I was being criticized for things I had done wrong.
This constant devaluation is a hallmark of narcissistic behavior. At first, they shower you with love, but as soon as you start to trust them more, they begin pulling away their affection.
Warning Signs of Narcissistic Love: Red Flags to Watch For
Recognizing narcissistic love can be challenging, especially when the narcissist is charming and manipulative. However, there are key red flags to look out for:
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Love Bombing: Over-the-top attention and compliments that seem too good to be true.
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Self-Centeredness: The relationship always revolves around their needs, with little regard for yours.
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Gaslighting: Making you question your own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions.
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Lack of Empathy: They disregard your emotions and needs while focusing solely on their own.
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Mood Swings: One minute, you’re the best thing in the world; the next, you’re the worst, with no middle ground.
The Impact of Narcissistic Love on the Victim
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is emotionally draining. Over time, you lose yourself in the relationship.
Your self-esteem suffers as you try to meet their endless needs, often at the cost of your own well-being. You may feel like you’re walking on eggshells, never knowing when their love will cool down or when they’ll criticize you over the smallest mistake.
After my relationship ended, I struggled with feelings of inadequacy and confusion. I had been so focused on trying to please her and make her happy that I lost sight of who I was.
It wasn’t until I reflected on the situation and sought guidance that I realized the harm that had been done.
Healing from Narcissistic Love
Healing is possible after a narcissistic relationship, but it takes time and effort. The first step is acknowledging that the relationship wasn’t about love—it was about control and manipulation.
Here are some steps you can take to heal:
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Cut Contact: Reduce or eliminate contact with the narcissist to help your emotional healing process.
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Seek Therapy: Therapy can help you overcome the emotional damage and rebuild your self-worth.
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Learn Boundaries: Learn to set healthy boundaries to avoid falling into another narcissistic relationship.
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Focus on Self-Love: Take time to reconnect with yourself and prioritize your emotional and mental well-being.
Conclusion
Narcissistic love is a distorted version of affection that often leaves the victim feeling emotionally exhausted, confused, and unworthy.
Understanding how narcissists love can help you recognize the warning signs early and avoid getting caught in their manipulation.
No one deserves to feel like they’re always the giver and never the receiver.
If you find yourself in a narcissistic relationship, prioritize your well-being, seek support, and remember that true love is about mutual respect, care, and emotional connection.
If you’ve experienced narcissistic love, you’re not alone.
Healing is possible, and you deserve a relationship where you are treated with the care and respect you deserve.
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