Before We Begin: I Am Not a Narcissist
I spent a lot of time reflecting, crying, and doing the messy work of understanding why I dated the person I did. But I have been with someone who exhibited extremely narcissistic tendencies. And in retrospect, the warning signs were evident long before I was willing to accept them.
…I ignored them.
I made excuses for her.
I justified her behavior.
I told myself I was just being paranoid.
I mistook intensity for intimacy. Attention for affection. And chemistry for compatibility.
But when you look back with clarity, everything becomes obvious. Once you step out of the emotional whirlwind, the red flags you ignored become impossible to miss. And when you start to understand narcissistic behavior — love bombing, mirroring, gaslighting, trauma bonding — you see the full picture.
Sometimes that realization is validating. Other times, it’s heartbreaking.
If you’ve recently started dating someone and something feels “off,” read this.
Here are ten ways narcissists usually reveal themselves early on — lessons I wish I knew before I fell so hard.
10 Ways Narcissists Reveal Themselves Early
1. They Love Bomb You Like It’s Going Out of Style
It feels unbelievable.
They text you all day.
They send long, emotional messages about how you make them feel or how “special” you are.
They say things most people wait months to say.
They plan a future long before there’s a foundation for one.
I was thrilled. I finally felt wanted.
I thought someone actually saw me. Chose me. Valued me.
What I didn’t understand was that this kind of intensity doesn’t happen in healthy relationships overnight.
Healthy relationships grow steadily. They’re built on shared experiences, mutual vulnerability, trust, and patience. There’s rhythm. There’s grounding.
A narcissist will rush attachment. They create artificial intimacy before you truly know them. And just as quickly as they love bomb you, they can withdraw it.
They may stop responding to your texts. Stop making plans. Suddenly turn cold when you weren’t “hot” enough.
And that push and pull? It keeps you hooked — chasing the version of them you met at the beginning.
Related: What Is Love Bombing? Signs To Look Out For
2. Every Conversation Leads Back to Them
When I first met her, I didn’t notice.
She listened. She asked questions. But over time, I realized every story I told became an opportunity to redirect attention back to her.
“I had a bad day at work.”
“Oh yeah? You think that’s bad? Let me tell you what happened to me…”
“I just finished a half marathon.”
“That’s great! I once did something way harder…”
“I was scared of dogs as a kid.”
“Wow, that’s nothing compared to what scared me…”
At first, it seemed like bonding. Like she was relating.
But I didn’t feel seen. I felt managed.
You slowly go from being the main character in your own relationship to a supporting role.
Emotionally healthy people are curious about you. They ask follow-up questions. They remember details. They create space for your inner world.
If someone constantly redirects the focus to themselves, it signals an inability — or refusal — to emotionally center anyone else.
Related: How To Make A Narcissist Leave The Relationship On Their Own
3. They’re Empathetic on the Surface — But Lack Real Empathy
This took me a long time to recognize.
She said all the “right” things when I was upset. She knew how to sound supportive. But it didn’t feel sincere.
If my emotions required accountability, her empathy disappeared. If I was upset about something she did, guilt quickly turned into defensiveness.
Empathy isn’t just saying, “That sucks.”
Empathy is sitting with someone in discomfort because you care about them.
Narcissists can mimic empathy — but it fades when the situation reflects poorly on them.
Over time, I stopped sharing certain feelings. I downplayed emotions to avoid triggering conflict.
That’s not emotional safety.
Related: How To Make A Narcissist Realize The Truth
4. They Put You Down — Then Pretend They Didn’t
It wasn’t constant. But it happened enough.
She’d joke about my weight.
Say I “overreacted.”
Call me smart for “only” having a bachelor’s degree.
I laughed it off. I didn’t want to seem sensitive. I assumed she was joking.
But those “jokes” slowly chip away at your confidence.
You start second-guessing yourself. You monitor how you speak. You become less authentic to avoid criticism.
And when you finally bring it up? You’re “too sensitive.”
Related: 9 Things Narcissists Do That No One Else Sees
5. Their Expectations Constantly Change
You can never fully meet their standards.
They say you don’t give enough attention — so you try harder. Now you’re “too much.”
You show investment in their dreams — now you’re “too independent.”
You ask about their day — now you’re “clingy.”
There’s always something wrong.
You begin performing every time you see them, hoping you got it right this time.
This is intermittent reinforcement — unpredictable reward that keeps you seeking approval. When they do show affection, the relief feels so strong that you overlook the chaos.
Love shouldn’t feel like an audition.
Related: How Narcissists React When You Cry
6. They Explode When You Offer Constructive Criticism
The first time I calmly told her she hurt my feelings, she unraveled.
Suddenly I was:
Too sensitive
Looking for problems
Misunderstanding her
Attacking her
The issue wasn’t my feelings anymore — it was my tone.
Narcissists often perceive constructive criticism as a personal attack. Instead of reflecting, they lash out.
Anger. Silent treatment. Belittling.
Eventually, you stop speaking up.
7. They’re Always the Victim
Her exes were crazy.
Her friends were jealous.
Her coworkers were incompetent.
Her family never understood her.
I wanted to be different. I wanted to show her not everyone would hurt her.
But I noticed something: she was never accountable.
She was always innocent. Always wronged. Always betrayed.
Emotionally healthy people can acknowledge their role in conflict. They can admit when they overreacted or handled something poorly.
If someone recounts their life story and never once admits fault, pay attention.
8. They Mirror You — Almost Too Perfectly
In the beginning, she loved everything I loved.
Music.
Life goals.
Values.
Sense of humor.
It felt unreal.
Until it wasn’t.
Suddenly she didn’t like the same music. Criticized opinions we once shared. Dismissed interests we “bonded” over.
I realized she had mirrored me early on — reflecting my preferences back to create instant connection.
Mirroring builds fast intimacy. But it isn’t always authentic.
Once you’re emotionally invested, the mirroring fades.
9. Small Issues Become Massive Conflicts
Minor disagreements became emotional explosions.
I forgot to text once? Hours of fighting.
I brought up something small? Suddenly I “never listen.”
There was no emotional baseline. High highs. Low lows.
I mistook chaos for passion.
Healthy conflict exists — but it’s calm and constructive. You don’t feel fear before bringing up something sensitive.
If your body goes into fight-or-flight during arguments, that’s stress — not love.
10. You Just Know Something Is Off
This one is subtle — but powerful.
Even when things were “good,” I felt anxious.
Something didn’t feel safe.
When she was amazing, she was incredible. But underneath that, I felt unease.
I ignored it.
But your body knows.
If you constantly feel confused, anxious, or like you have to prove your worth, pay attention.
Unhealthy people are very good at winning you over. They’re even better at making you doubt yourself when you try to leave.
Trust your instincts.
What I Learned
I don’t resent her.
I don’t believe she woke up trying to destroy someone’s spirit. I think she had deep insecurities that manifested as control, defensiveness, and emotional manipulation.
But understanding someone’s wounds doesn’t mean you have to accept being wounded by them.
The hardest thing for me to accept was this:
Love should not feel like an emotional roller coaster you have to survive.
Healthy love is consistent.
It feels secure.
You can be fully yourself without fear of rejection.
Growth is encouraged — not criticized.
Feedback is allowed — not punished.
If you see these patterns early, take them seriously.
Patterns rarely change unless the person genuinely wants to change. You cannot force someone into therapy. You cannot control someone else’s healing.
You are not responsible for fixing someone who refuses to acknowledge their behavior.
And if you’ve been through this:
You’re not broken.
You weren’t stupid.
You weren’t weak.
You were loving.
There’s a difference.
Wanting someone to be your person doesn’t make you weak. But staying when you know it’s damaging will cost you.
When you meet the right person, you’ll know what healthy love feels like.
And it won’t require you to lose yourself to keep it.
Save the pin for later
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