When we imagine a relationship, the majority of us think of a union of love, care, and respect. However, for spouses or people in a relationship with a narcissist, this dream very often turns into a nightmare.
Narcissists make their spouses feel as though they are walking on eggshells all the time, always attempting to win their love or approval, while constantly struggling to withstand the emotionally draining actions of their partner.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a very complicated and poorly understood illness, but its impact on a relationship can be profound and devastating.
Today, I will be sharing with you, the various ways narcissists treat their spouses, what processes unfold in such a relationship, and how it harms the emotional and mental well-being of their partner.
I will also discuss what can be done to manage it and how people can self-protect in an entangled relationship.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
It is important to clarify what narcissism means before we go deeper into how narcissists treat their spouses.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a psychological disorder characterized by a number of key traits: pervasive grandiosity (either in thoughts or actions), a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.
Individuals with NPD tend to believe they are superior to others and should be treated differently or better than the rest, with little or no consideration for others’ thoughts and needs.
This will be reflected in various ways in a romantic relationship. A narcissist can be demanding, requiring constant validation from their partner, belittling them, and controlling situations to maintain a sense of superiority and power.
Although it’s possible for people to exhibit narcissistic behaviors at times, it’s the persistent and entrenched nature of these behaviors in a narcissist that makes relationships with them so problematic.
Related; How to Respond to Narcissistic Texts
How Narcissists Envision Love and Relationships with Others
Narcissists can be charming, confident, and even appear generous.
These traits are capable of attracting their partners, and they might seem to offer an exciting, magnetic connection. However, with time, the true nature of the relationship emerges.
1. Love Bombing: The Initial Stage
In the early stages of dating a narcissist, everything may seem perfect.
This is the so-called “love bombing” phase, where the narcissist showers their partner with attention, admiration, and love, making them feel highly valued and unique.
They can offer luxurious presents, constantly flatter their partner, and pretend to be the perfect lover. Everything seems wonderful, and it’s easy to believe that the narcissist is truly loving—at least for a while.
But this initial stage isn’t actually about the spouse at all—it’s about the narcissist satisfying their own need to be admired and to attract attention.
Since they desire their partner to view them as flawless and seek their approval, the narcissist makes decisions based on the need for validation. This initial phase establishes a pretext for control later on.
2. Devaluation: The Shift Begins
Once the narcissist feels they have gained control, or the partner has become fully invested, the dynamic starts to shift.
This is the “devaluation” phase. The narcissist may begin to criticize their spouse, belittle them, or withdraw affection. Minor problems become major conflicts, making the spouse feel insecure or unworthy of love and attention.
The spouse might work harder to please the narcissist, thinking that by acting differently or doing something better, the relationship can be restored to how it was during the love-bombing phase.
However, this is a futile effort. The narcissist’s behavior isn’t about the spouse’s actions; it’s about the narcissist’s need for control, validation, and the constant maintenance of a power dynamic that places them in a position of superiority.
Related: 5 Traits Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Have in Common
3. Gaslighting: Manipulation and Control
Gaslighting is one of the most harmful strategies employed by narcissists. This method involves mental manipulation, where a narcissist misrepresents the truth, denies reality, or makes their spouse doubt their own perceptions and memories. For example, the narcissist may deny saying something insulting or blame their spouse for being “irrational.”
The aim of gaslighting is to undermine the spouse’s self-esteem and self-assurance, making them more dependent on the narcissist in order to feel secure and accepted.
This manipulation can have a severe impact on the mental well-being of the individual, resulting in confusion, feelings of insecurity, and even anxiety.
Related; How To Turn The Table On A Gaslighter
4. Lack of Sympathy and Emotional Disparity
A lack of empathy is one of the defining characteristics of narcissism. Narcissists have difficulty understanding or caring about other people’s emotions. In a marriage, this means that a narcissist might disregard their spouse’s needs, disrespect their feelings, or even ridicule them for being “too emotional.”
This neglect of emotions can leave the spouse feeling lonely and distant. Narcissists rarely, if ever, provide support during difficult times because of their self-centered nature. The partner may feel as though they are always giving, but never having their emotional needs met.
Related; 10 Phone Habits I’ve Noticed That Can Help Spot a Narcissist
5. Triangulation: Creating Conflict
Narcissists often create conflict in relationships through triangulation, involving other people to provoke jealousy or insecurity in their partner. This may involve talking negatively about the spouse to others or even flirting with other people. By doing this, the narcissist keeps their spouse uncertain of their position in the relationship, creating emotional turmoil.
Apart from this, a narcissist may assume the role of the victim, accusing their spouse of causing the problems in the relationship. This shifts the blame entirely onto the partner and absolves the narcissist of any responsibility for the issues in the relationship.
Related; These 8 Eating Habits Reveal Your Partner Is a Narcissist
The Emotional Toll on the Spouse
Being married to or in a relationship with a narcissist can be emotionally exhausting. Over time, the spouse can experience a range of emotional, psychological, and even physical effects as a result of the narcissist’s behavior. Some common effects include:
1. Low Self-Esteem
Continued criticism, emotional neglect, and manipulation may cause the spouse to lose confidence in themselves. The narcissist’s behavior—belittling their partner and disregarding their emotions—can make the spouse feel unworthy or insignificant.
2. Anxiety and Depression
Constantly striving to gain the narcissist’s favor, dealing with their erratic behavior, and living in a tense environment can lead to anxiety and depression. The spouse may feel trapped, unable to escape the emotional rollercoaster of the relationship.
3. Loss of Identity
Narcissists are so self-centered that they often demand their spouse’s complete focus. Over time, the spouse may lose their own sense of identity—giving up their interests, goals, or relationships with friends and family just to appease the narcissist.
4. Emotional Exhaustion
The spouse of a narcissist may feel emotionally drained from the constant ups and downs in the relationship. They may feel like they are always giving but never receiving the emotional support they need in return, leading to burnout and exhaustion.
Strategies Spouses of Narcissists Can Use to Cope
If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s crucial to understand that the issue lies in their behavior, not in you. Surviving a narcissistic relationship is difficult, but it can be managed. Here are some strategies that may help:
1. Set Boundaries
One important step is to set clear boundaries. Narcissists will often test the limits and challenge boundaries, so it’s essential to be firm about what you will and will not tolerate. Whether it’s about your personal space, how you’re treated, or your time with friends and family, communicate your needs and enforce those limits.
2. Seek Support
It’s important to seek help from a therapist or counselor who can help you understand the dynamics of the relationship and provide strategies to cope with the narcissist’s behavior. It’s also beneficial to surround yourself with supportive friends and family who can validate your feelings and provide emotional support.
3. Focus on Self-Care
Taking care of your emotional and mental well-being is crucial when dealing with a narcissist. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself—whether it’s exercise, pursuing hobbies, or simply relaxing. Make time for yourself to recharge.
4. Evaluate Your Options
In some cases, it may be necessary to evaluate whether staying in the relationship is healthy or sustainable. If the emotional damage is too great, it might be time to assess whether the relationship can be salvaged or whether it’s time to walk away.
Conclusion
Living with a narcissist can be emotionally draining. The manipulation, emotional neglect, and constant need for validation can leave the spouse feeling confused, isolated, and exhausted.
However, it’s important to remember that the narcissist’s actions are not your fault. Recognizing the signs of narcissism and seeking help are key to recovery.
Setting boundaries, finding support, and focusing on self-care are essential steps in navigating a relationship with a narcissist.
While dealing with a narcissist is never easy, understanding their behavior and prioritizing your own mental health can help you regain peace and stability.
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