Setting boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother can feel like an impossible task. It’s easy to feel as if you’ve been battling this for years, going in circles and constantly having to justify yourself to a person who is manipulative, controlling, and emotionally abusive.
However, it is important to set boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother to protect your mental health, well-being, and, most importantly, to take care of yourself.
As we all know, narcissism is a personality disorder and is very difficult to deal with for those close to a narcissist.
Elderly narcissism in a mother is no different—if anything, it is often more intense because the narcissist has been manipulating you your whole life and is now at an age where their control and manipulation techniques may have worsened. But that doesn’t mean you can’t set boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother.
Understanding and Accepting Narcissism
The first step in setting boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother is to understand narcissism, especially as it can impact your adult relationships.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental illness and a clinical diagnosis that very few people actually have (usually only 1% of the population).
The average person, however, uses the term “narcissistic” to describe someone who puts themselves first at all times and disregards the needs, feelings, and opinions of others.
A narcissistic mother typically lacks empathy, is self-centered and vain, and expects her needs and wants to be met by you at all times, usually without regard to your own well-being.
The Elderly Narcissistic Mother Will Often Become Worse As They Age
In many cases, elderly narcissism actually gets worse as a narcissistic parent ages. Some may become more demanding, verbally abusive, manipulative, and even emotionally unavailable than they were previously.
However, you can set boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother without being mean, cold, or cutting them off. You simply need to establish your boundaries by clearly communicating your limits in a firm, yet respectful manner.
How To Set Boundaries with an Elderly Narcissistic Mother
1. Know What Narcissism Is
Understanding narcissism is an important step in setting boundaries with your mother. Many resources are available online and in books to help you learn the signs of narcissism and how to deal with them. We have linked some resources to help you get started at the bottom of this article.
The key here is to understand that her personality, her character, and the way she treats you will not change.
Some individuals can be labeled as narcissistic, but when a narcissist reaches a certain age, their behavior often becomes worse and more erratic.
They may become more demanding, more verbally abusive, or simply more agitated at their adult children’s inability to meet their needs 24/7.
Related: How to Protect Yourself from a Narcissistic Mother
2. Accept the Emotional Impact on You
The second step in setting boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother is acknowledging the toll it has taken on you. Narcissistic parents can be very emotionally damaging to their children, especially when they are young and trying to cope with the world around them.
Your childhood narcissistic mother might have been emotionally distant, uncaring, and generally inattentive to your needs as a child. She may have been abusive or critical of you and may have focused all her energy on her own needs rather than yours. As a result, you may now be dealing with a lot of guilt, shame, and other negative emotions when trying to set boundaries with her as an adult.
Accept that you were emotionally damaged by your narcissistic mother, but also that you have the power to change this.
Related: When Narcissists Get Old, They Do These 10 Things
3. Educate Yourself About Narcissistic Abuse
The third step in setting boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother is educating yourself on narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse, also known as emotional abuse, is often not as obvious or easy to identify as physical abuse. However, it is just as real and just as damaging in the long run.
Narcissistic abuse can come in many different forms, such as emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and even psychological abuse. Narcissistic mothers can be extremely demanding, critical, and verbally abusive when it comes to their adult children.
You can learn how to set boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother by educating yourself about narcissistic abuse.
4. Be Clear About Your Boundaries
The fourth step in setting boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother is to be clear with her about your boundaries. You need to be direct and unapologetic when setting boundaries with her, and you need to stick to your guns. You don’t need to explain yourself to her in depth, and you definitely don’t need to be apologetic or feel guilty when setting your boundaries.
Just state the facts and then say no. Simple, clear, direct boundaries are the most effective.
The more straightforward you are about your limits with your mother, the less room there is for argument and manipulation. You can tell your narcissistic mother “no” and leave it at that without feeling the need to over-explain.
Related: How To Heal From Narcissistic Mother’s Damages
5. Prepare for Resistance
The fifth step in setting boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother is preparing yourself for resistance. When you first start setting boundaries with your mother, she may try to push back, argue with you, or even manipulate you into giving in.
Examples of common resistance tactics that narcissistic mothers may use include:
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Guilt-tripping: “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” “You’re being selfish and ungrateful.” “You never visit me anymore. I guess I’ll just die alone.”
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Name-calling: “You’re a bad daughter.” “You never do anything for me.” “You make me so mad sometimes!”
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Yelling and screaming: “I can’t take this anymore!” “You make me so angry, I’m going to leave you!” “You’re the worst daughter ever!”
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Threats: “I’m going to make your life miserable if you don’t do what I say.” “I’ll ruin your life if you ever disrespect me again.” “I’ll kill myself if you ever leave me.”
Preparing yourself for resistance means knowing that these things are likely to happen, and having a plan for how you will react to them. Don’t let her push you around or guilt you into giving in, and don’t be afraid to cut her off completely if necessary.
6. Adjust Your Expectations
The sixth step in setting boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother is adjusting your expectations of her and your relationship.
While you may have had a dream of an ideal mother-daughter relationship, that is not how things will always be when you are an adult and have your own family and life to worry about. It is important to accept that your mother is not perfect, and that she will likely never be the person that you want her to be.
Adjust your expectations to accept that your mother is elderly and narcissistic, and that these things may never change.
Related; How to Survive a Narcissistic Mother
7. Protect Your Mental and Emotional Health
The seventh step in setting boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother is to protect your mental and emotional health. Narcissistic mothers can be very emotionally damaging to their children, especially when they are young and impressionable.
Adult children of narcissistic mothers need to be very careful about what they allow their mother to say or do to them, and about how they react to her behavior. It is important to remember that you are not alone in this struggle and that there are ways to protect yourself from the emotional and psychological damage that a narcissistic mother can cause.
Protecting your mental and emotional health starts with setting firm and clear boundaries with her.
8. Learn to Say No Without Guilt
The eighth step in setting boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother is to learn how to say no without guilt. It is important to remember that you don’t have to say yes to everything your mother asks, and that you don’t have to feel guilty or apologetic when you set a boundary with her.
The more you practice saying no without feeling guilty or obligated to explain yourself, the easier it will become. You don’t need to go into detail about why you can’t do something or why you won’t do something—all you need to do is say no and leave it at that.
Saying no without guilt or explanation is one of the most important boundary-setting skills you can have.
9. Establish Consequences for Crossing Boundaries
The ninth step in setting boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother is to establish consequences for crossing boundaries. You don’t need to be overly harsh or punitive with your mother, but you do need to let her know that there are consequences for her actions.
Examples of consequences that you can enforce when your mother crosses a boundary include:
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If she crosses a boundary, you can limit contact for a while.
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If she belittles or criticizes you, you can leave the room or end the conversation.
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If she manipulates you with guilt, you can calmly tell her that you will not tolerate being spoken to that way, and you will leave.
It is important to be consistent when it comes to enforcing consequences for your mother’s behavior and to be firm in your response to her when she crosses a boundary.
The more consistently you enforce consequences, the clearer it will become to her that you will not tolerate her behavior and that you will do what is necessary to protect yourself.
10. Take Care of Yourself
The last step in setting boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother is to take care of yourself. It is important to remember that setting boundaries with your mother is not a one-time thing; it is an ongoing process.
You will need to be patient with her, and you will need to be consistent in your response to her when she crosses a boundary. It is also important to take care of yourself, both mentally and emotionally, and to make sure that you are getting the support that you need in order to set healthy boundaries with her.
Final Thoughts
Setting boundaries with an elderly narcissistic mother can be difficult, but it is not impossible. The key is to remember that your mother is elderly and narcissistic, and that you have the right to set boundaries with her in order to protect your own mental and emotional well-being.
It is important to be patient, to be consistent, and to take care of yourself in the process.
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