8 Reasons You Always Catch Feelings For Married Men

You never sat down one day and decided, “Okay, today I’m going to fall in love with an unavailable man.”

Believe me, I know how it goes.

You don’t consciously choose these situations. They just sort of…

Happen.

One day you’re living your life, not thinking about any of this, and then suddenly you’re in love with a guy who can never give you everything you want.

Sound familiar?

If you’ve ever found yourself loving unavailable men more than once (hello there!), it’s time to start asking yourself some questions:

Why does this keep happening to me?

Why do I always feel such strong emotions for married men?

Am I mentally cheating on my boyfriend by dreaming about him?

Damn it… what’s wrong with me?

Well, friend, let’s just stop right there.

There is NOTHING wrong with you.

(Believe me, I’ve been there.)

But there is a reason you keep finding yourself in these situations—subconscious patterns and all.

And it’s not about blaming yourself. In fact, it’s the complete opposite.

It’s about understanding what is going on underneath the surface so that you can start making different choices.

Ready?

Here are 8 reasons you keep choosing unavailable men.

(And what to do about it.)

Reasons you always catch feelings for married men

1. You Feel Safe Loving Someone Who Can’t Fully Commit to You

Here’s the thing about loving unavailable guys:

It’s safe.

When you fall for a man who you know is never going to fully give you everything you want, you’ll never be faced with the total unknown that a real relationship brings.

Sure, there will be good days and bad days.

But you’ll never be faced with the day he asks you to be his girlfriend.

Or the day he decides to actually leave his wife.

Because that day will never come.

You know where you stand with an unavailable man. And even if he promises you things, you’ll never actually feel completely sure that he’s going to follow through.

Example: He tells you he loves you.

You smile. Got it. He loves me.

But inside, you’re thinking:

What does that mean, knowing he’s married?
Can he love me and his wife?
How can I be sure he won’t just leave me whenever?

See what I mean?

Emotionally, you know that as soon as the relationship starts to look like it could be something, he’s gone.

So you don’t even bother letting yourself enjoy that part.

Bottom line: You’ve become comfortable with not being 100% chosen.

2. You’re Used to Drama, Not Stability

Fantasizing about married men isn’t a walk in the park.

Ohhhh no.

If you’ve fallen into this pattern more than once, you already know that dating an unavailable man is DRAMA.

Keeping it on the down low, sneaking around, wondering if he’s going to suddenly become available tomorrow…

It’s exciting—but also a HUGE emotional roller coaster.

And if you’ve spent a lot of time riding those highs and lows, your nervous system may actually be conditioned to this kind of “love.”

Example: He disappears for weeks and suddenly reaches out.

You flip.

Inside, you’re screaming:
I MISSED YOUUUUU

But in reality, you say:
“Hey, how’ve you been?”

You feel loved.

See the difference?

Emotionally, this kind of interaction keeps you locked in anxiety—switching between desperately needing his attention when he disappears and being overjoyed when he returns.

Real love is calm most of the time.

Most drama-filled relationships are not.

3. You Desperately Want to Feel Wanted

Losing someone you care about hurts.

I know firsthand.

When my last relationship ended, I did everything in my power to keep my ex-boyfriend close to me.

I would call him every night.

Invite him over just so we could “hang out.”

Dream about what things would be like if he gave our relationship another chance.

You know what I was doing?

Trying to feel chosen.

Here’s the difference:

Available men break up with us, and we’re faced with the decision of whether we want to keep them in our lives.

Unavailable men eventually walk away from us.

And if you’ve experienced this painful back-and-forth more than once, your heart may be screaming:

“I WANT TO BE CHOSEN!”

On a subconscious level, being with an unavailable man is your heart’s way of trying to prove that you can be chosen.

4. You’re Emotionally Unavailable (Ish)

Here’s a hard pill to swallow:

If you’re dating unavailable men… you might be a little unavailable yourself.

(I promise we can fix that.)

You may say you want love.

You may truly believe you want a real relationship.

But something is holding you back from choosing someone who can actually give you that.

Why?

Because subconsciously, you’re afraid.

5. You Mistake Attention for Love

Married men who cheat can be really good in the beginning.

They know how to give attention.

They know how to make you feel special.

But attention is not the same thing as love.

If you know deep down that this person can’t give you everything you want…

Then even those “good morning” texts don’t really mean much.

6. You’re Trying to Win the Love You Didn’t Get as a Child

Sometimes, your relationship patterns aren’t about your present—they’re about your past.

If you had to fight for attention growing up…

You may still be doing that now.

7. You’re Afraid of Real Love

Real love requires vulnerability.

And if you’ve been hurt before, that can feel terrifying.

So instead, you choose situations where you never have to fully open up.

8. You Haven’t Fully Loved Yourself Yet

You are worthy of real, healthy, available love.

But if a part of you still believes you’re “too much” or “not enough”…

You’ll keep settling for less.

How to Stop Dating Unavailable Men (& Find Real Love)

1. Admit the Pattern

You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge.

2. Stop Romanticizing Your Situation

If he were truly available, you wouldn’t be confused.

3. Identify Your Triggers

Loneliness? Boredom? Needing validation? Learn your patterns.

4. Set Firm Boundaries

Block. Delete. Cut contact. Protect your peace.

5. Practice Choosing Available Men

Even when it feels unfamiliar—or scary.

6. Work on Loving Yourself Daily

You can’t expect someone else to value you more than you value yourself.

7. Talk to Someone

You don’t have to figure this out alone.

A Question for You

If you’ve fallen for unavailable men more than once, ask yourself:

What am I really looking for in these relationships?

Am I settling because I don’t know what else to do?

What would change if I chose differently?

Conclusion:

Look—loving unavailable men is not your fault.

But staying stuck in that pattern? That’s something you can change.

It takes time.
It takes awareness.
It takes patience with yourself.

But you are worthy of:

Real love
Emotional security
Someone who chooses you every single day

Now it’s your turn.

Choose yourself.

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ONWE DAMIAN

Onwe Damian Chukwuemeka is a relationship and self-improvement coach, as well as a final-year law student at the University of Calabar, Nigeria. He has distinguished himself in leadership and service, and has held key positions such as Deputy Director of Public Prosecution in the Students’ Union Government and Justice of the Malabor High Court, University of Calabar, Nigeria. Learn more about him

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