The bonds of marriage hold two people together in a lifelong commitment to love, support, and understand one another. In many cases, it is a healthy, loving relationship where both individuals have found happiness in one another’s company.
However, sometimes one partner’s behavior becomes controlling, toxic, and emotionally abusive, which can harm the relationship and cause mental and emotional damage to both spouses.
Although it’s only natural to want to care for your husband and look out for his well-being, there comes a point where taking care crosses the line and becomes a form of control.
If you are starting to feel that your relationship has become emotionally or mentally abusive toward your spouse, or you are worried that you may be guilty of controlling your husband yourself, here are some signs to consider.
9 Signs You’re A Controlling Wife
1. You Push Past Their Boundaries in the Name of “Love”
It is normal to want to care for your spouse, and some personal boundaries are healthy and should be respected in a relationship. On the other hand, controlling wives tend to ignore their husband’s personal boundaries. This may mean invading their personal space, whether physically by going through their phone, email, or personal items, or emotionally by telling them how to think or what they should or should not do.
You may say things like “I’m only doing this for you” or “I only want what’s best for you.” However, if you find that your spouse is asking for some alone time, space, or autonomy over their actions and you’re not respecting their wishes, you may be doing something controlling. A relationship should be between two people, not one person controlling every aspect of another’s life.
Related: 9 Reasons Why Some Men Secretly Hate Their Wives
2. You Are Constantly Criticizing Instead of Praising
Another sign of controlling behavior in wives is criticizing their husbands rather than giving them positive reinforcement. It’s easy to feel like you have to comment on or correct every single thing your spouse does, whether that’s the way they dress, talk, or perform a task around the house. You may feel as though you are analyzing their every move and finding fault instead of recognizing their strengths.
Instead of praising or encouraging your husband for what he does well, you tear him down and point out all of his flaws and shortcomings, even for the most minute things. This constant criticism and negative feedback can break down your spouse’s self-esteem and make them feel less and less confident in their abilities or performance. This is a power struggle that should not exist in a marriage.
3. You Make All the Decisions Without Them
If you feel like you have to make all the decisions in your marriage without consulting your husband, this is a major sign of control. From small daily choices, like what to make for dinner, to major life decisions, if you think you know best and can make these choices without their input or feedback, it may be controlling behavior. Controlling behavior involves major decision-making on your part and disregarding your spouse’s opinions, ideas, and feelings. In a healthy relationship, both parties should be able to voice their opinions and have a say in how the marriage is run.
Related: 10 Signs He’s Torn Between His Wife and His Lover
4. You Use “Guilt Trips” to Manipulate Your Husband
As the wife, if you are often using situations or specific phrases to make your husband feel guilty for not doing something you want him to do, this is a form of manipulation and a major red flag. A common phrase used in these instances can be, “I always do everything for you, and you can’t even do this one thing for me,” or “If you really loved me, you would do this.” This is a form of emotional manipulation that places the blame for the situation on your husband when, in reality, it’s your controlling behavior causing the issue.
5. You Are Constantly Asking Them About Where They Are or Who They’re With
Sometimes controlling behavior can be as simple as asking your husband too many questions about their whereabouts or who they are with. If your spouse is working late at the office or going out with their friends, and you are constantly asking them to check in or have their phone on and available, it may be a form of control. This can also be seen when couples are apart for the weekend or on vacation, and one spouse is constantly calling and checking in with the other, causing them to feel under surveillance or trapped.
6. You Dictate Their Friends or Social Life
In some marriages, it is not uncommon for one spouse to try to control who their partner can or cannot spend time with. For instance, if you often isolate your husband from his friends or family or become angry or upset when he wants to spend time with other people you don’t approve of, this is controlling behavior. It is okay to have preferences about the friends your husband spends time with, but never try to take away the support system and relationships they have outside of your marriage.
7. You Play the “Poor Me” Card to Avoid Apologizing
Sometimes, when a wife has done something to upset or anger her spouse, instead of apologizing or taking responsibility for her behavior, she turns it around on her husband. By playing the victim, she attempts to diffuse the situation and avoid accountability. Instead of owning up to her controlling behavior or part in the argument, some controlling wives will turn around and blame their spouse by saying things like “I only did that because you made me so upset” or “I wouldn’t have reacted that way if you hadn’t provoked me first.”
Related: 10 Things Married Men Confide Only To Their Mistresses
8. You Are Constantly Checking In on Their Emotions
In an emotionally abusive relationship, one spouse often has the need to control the other’s emotions. This can be seen by trying to micromanage how your husband feels or how he must behave when he is upset or angry. When your spouse is experiencing a negative emotion or feeling, instead of listening and validating their feelings, a controlling wife may try to “fix” them.
Whether that’s telling their husband to snap out of it, downplaying their emotions as irrational or unnecessary, or using other similar tactics, your spouse’s feelings are real and should not be changed. Not only does this cause your spouse to bottle up or hide their emotions from you, but it also erodes the emotional connection in your marriage.
9. You Need to Be in Control of Every Situation
When in a marriage, sometimes we feel the need to control every aspect of life, whether that’s our finances, our children’s activities, our housework, or even how the home is decorated. We may feel that the only “right” way is to do everything ourselves or a certain way that we like. If you have a tendency to micromanage and have a desire for complete control over every decision in your marriage, this can be a form of control.
This is not a partnership, but one spouse trying to exert their will over the other. Recognize that both people in a marriage should have a say in the decisions being made and a healthy balance of who does what around the house.
Related: 12 Signs You’re a Controlling Woman (From a Man’s Perspective)
Conclusion
Being controlling in a relationship is a form of emotional and mental abuse toward your spouse. Although you may not realize it or mean to be overbearing or dominating toward your husband, it is important to be aware of how you treat him.
A marriage should be two people working together in a healthy partnership to grow, not one spouse being controlled by the other. If you are reading this and are starting to recognize any of the signs listed above as something you or your spouse may do, it’s time for a change.
If you or someone you know is struggling with controlling behavior in a marriage, please consider talking to a therapist or counselor to work through the underlying issues that may be causing this behavior. Marriage is about teamwork, mutual support, and open communication, and both partners should feel free to be themselves without being controlled or manipulated by the other.
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