10 Signs You're In Survival Mode

At first, I didn’t realize I was in survival mode.

I thought I was just “being strong.”

“I’ve got this,” I would say to myself.

I paid bills. I showed up. I smiled when I was supposed to smile. I thought exhaustion was normal. Emotional numbness? Maturity. Constant tension? Ambition.

But then one day I saw it.

My jaw hurt while I was brushing my teeth.

It wasn’t because I had cavities. My jaw was killing me because I had been clenching it in my sleep.

My shoulders were always high and tight against my ears.

I jumped at small noises.

I couldn’t relax until something stressful had happened. And often, even after “bad” things happened, I couldn’t relax.

My body felt like it was preparing for impact… all the time.

Even on “good days.”

That’s when I realized it.

I wasn’t living.
Right now.
I was surviving.

Survival mode isn’t dramatic.

Most days, it doesn’t look like fleeing from panic attacks or collapsing into heaps of anxiety.

Sometimes survival mode looks like productivity.

Sometimes it looks like pulling yourself through by sheer force of will.

Sometimes it looks like “I’ve got this, friend. I’m totally fine.”

But underneath it all, your nervous system is exhausted from being on high alert.

Your body is screaming: THIS IS NOT SAFE.

Your mind will never stop scanning for danger.

Your heart will never quite feel at ease.

Survival mode is a constantly elevated fight-or-flight response that you convince yourself is just who you are.

These were the first five signs that tipped me off that I was—in fact—in survival mode.

Most days, they creep up on you. Quiet.

They don’t announce themselves with shrieking sirens.

If you pay attention, they’ll show themselves:

Below are the signs that tell you’re living in survival mode.

10 Signs You’re In Survival Mode

1. You’re Always “On,” Even When You’re Supposed to Relax

Sit down to read a book and your brain is planning your next day.

Lie in bed trying to fall asleep and your thoughts are quadriceps-deep in work problems.

You take a rare day off and instead of feeling relaxed, you feel antsy. Anxious. Irritable.

Relaxing feels impossible.

Why? Because your nervous system has confused rest with danger.

Your survival brain learned at some point that staying alert = staying alive.

And now—even when there’s no danger—you expect disaster around every corner.

You:

Work yourself to sleep at night instead of letting your mind wind down
Fill every minute with “productivity” (even on weekends)
Feel uneasy when you’re not “fixing” something
Drum up worries in idle moments

I used to think I just had a lot on my mind.

My brain wouldn’t shut off.

The truth?

My body didn’t trust stillness.

My nervous system felt unsafe when life was quiet.

Here’s what worked for me (and I haven’t seen it anywhere else):

Instead of trying to “calm down”…

…I practiced offering my body little bits of “okay-to-relax” signals.

Meditation wasn’t my thing. Sitting quietly and trying to “turn off” my thoughts lasted about two minutes.

But these subtle, physical reminders that I was not in danger? They taught my nervous system to chill out:

Pressing my feet flat into the floor and feeling grounded
Wrapping my body up in blankets and feeling the weight
Paying attention to my stomach and chest expanding and contracting for 30 seconds

Trust me, your mind will argue with you.

Survival mode lives in the body, and your thoughts will try to talk you out of giving yourself permission to let down your guard.

What helped me quiet those anxious thoughts?

I didn’t try to convince my mind everything was okay.

I showed my body there was no imminent threat.

2. You Find Yourself Feeling Responsible for Everything (and Everyone)

Sure, everyone feels responsible when someone close to them is suffering.

But in survival mode, your fight-or-flight response decides who cares about you.

If someone else is hurting, your body assumes you must be to blame.

Or:

You need to fix it.

You over function when people around you are stressed.

You immediately feel responsible when someone:

Doesn’t open up to you
Seems upset
Stays in “silent mode” on group chats

“If X is struggling,” your body whispers, “that must be my fault.”

You spend more time monitoring other people’s feelings than your own.

This is survival brain looking out for you:

Who needs me? Who relies on me?

If someone is mad, it must be your fault.

If your partner forgets to text you back, you immediately assume the worst.

If your child has the worst day at school, your heart breaks more than it should.

But survival mode convinces you these things are your responsibility.

Here’s how I rewired that belief:

I would mentally repeat this sentence when I found myself worrying about things that weren’t mine to worry about:

“This is not mine to carry.”

It wasn’t a mantra I said out loud.

Just something I told myself whenever I felt:

Someone was mad (“This is not mine to carry.”)
Someone didn’t text me back (“THIS. IS. NOT. MINE. TO. CARRY.”)
Someone else was anxious or down (“Nobody ‘loses’ when I honor my limits.”)

THIS. IS. NOT. MINE. TO. CARRY.

You are allowed to show up for yourself without carrying everyone else’s emotional weight.

3. You Can’t Enjoy Joy Without Waiting for It to End

On good days, you know they’re happening. But part of you doesn’t believe it.

You feel happy—but your shoulders are instantly tense.

Jubilant—but you can’t relax into it.

Delighted—but you can’t quite let go.

You’re waiting.

You know something bad will happen. You just don’t know when.

Or:

It won’t last.

Joy is always followed by pain.

My friends would tell me about their trips away without me or fun plans they’d made, and I’d think:

This won’t last.

Instead of being happy for them.

I knew logically nothing bad was coming. But my brain refused to let me enjoy good news without bracing for impact.

There was this big hole of knowing something would suck soon… but having no idea when.

How did I let myself enjoy life again?

You don’t “trick” your brain back into resting in good news.

You remind your body that none of your alarms are going off.

I gave joy a physical reminder.

When I heard good news or was enjoying myself:

I took a deep breath and searched my body for where I felt the joy.

Lightness? Yup.

Excitement? You betcha.

Then I’d say it out loud and let it sink in for a few seconds.

“This feels like lightness in my shoulders.”

“This feels like bubble gum.”

“That show makes me feel so optimistic. I love feeling optimistic.”

You don’t spend time obsessing over what could happen to ruin your good news.

You sit in it.

You feel it.

You honor how good it feels knowing none of your alarms are going off.

Survival mode convinces you good news is always followed by tragedy.

Truth whispers:

This feeling is pure.
Here for you.
You deserve it.

4. You’re Tired, but You Don’t Know Why

You’re tired all the time.

But you never really did anything.

You didn’t go anywhere.

There wasn’t really anything on your mind.

It’s not the busy kind of tired.

More the blah kind of tired.

It sinks into your bones.

When you wake up, you’re already exhausted.

The kind of tired that whispers:

You’re never going to feel alive, are you?

It creeps into your body from watching.

Constant vigilance.

Weighing.

Scanning.

Something as simple as watching TV drains you.

Because even when you “vegetate,” your mind and body don’t vegetate.

Your body should not be tired from just existing.

If you’re in survival mode, chances are that’s where you’re tired from.

I felt guilty complaining about how tired I always was.

“I should be doing more.”

“I’m just lazy.”

“It’s nothing.”

Your mind loves this chatter.

Why?

Because when you start listening to your body, you start to listen to survival mode.

Here’s what worked for me:

Scheduling in “unproductive safety time.”

It’s like recovery time, but for your brain.

You don’t have to do anything.

Meet with anyone.

Earn it.

You just sit.

Sometimes you do it at your desk, looking out the window.

Sometimes you sit on the floor.

Scroll through Twitter and just stare at the screen for a bit.

Stare at the wall.

Listen to music and don’t “listen” to music.

I used to hate when my boyfriend forced me to take breaks when we were working from home.

The very idea that I could “sit and do nothing” made my mind race.

My thoughts used to be unproductive.

Now they’re lazy.

It took a lot of shouting matches before I realized he wasn’t trying to offend me.

He was trying to help me heal.

Allow yourself to just… be.

You don’t have to spend your downtime accomplishing things.

Survival mode convinces you that rest equals laziness.

Healing teaches you how to just exist.

5. Small Things Set You Off

Anyone who knows you knows this isn’t like you.

If your keys are missing.

If a delivery is late.

If someone goes “hmmmm” instead of replying to your text right away.

You’re over. it.

“I’m fine,” you say to people, but you don’t sound like you mean it.

Someone asks how your day was and you can’t even remember what you did from 3–5 p.m., even though you scheduled your entire day.

But that’s okay.

You’re sensitive about small stuff right now.

Why?

Because your fight-or-flight has been on a quiet alarm for a very long time.

Your nervous system is full.

When small things pop up, they land on top of a whole bunch of other stressors you don’t even realize you’ve been holding onto.

You are not dramatic.

Survival mode is:

Holding your breath while you wait for news.

Eating with the same focus you used to pack school lunches.

Burying disappointed sighs in coffee cups.

Waiting.

It’s a compilation of millions of moments where your nervous system kept you on high alert… that you can’t necessarily point to.

When I first realized how much fatigue, tension, and shame I was holding onto from survival mode, I tried to shake it off.

Literally.

I would sometimes take a minute to just stand up and shake—my arms, my shoulders, my hands.

Look at me. I’m dancing.

Like a wild child.

It felt silly.

But my body needed to learn that there was no reason to be holding onto all this tension.

Our brains don’t know how to differentiate stressors sometimes.

Our bodies do.

It’s called movement.

Survival mode had me holding my breath through every alert.

Shaking teaches your body there is no reason to hold on.

These ten signs are subtle.

They don’t jump out at you screaming, “I AM HERE!”

If you’re in survival mode, you know these signs better than the back of your own hand.

They look like strength.

Independence.

Responsibility.

Anyone who has ever lived while depressed and anxious can spot them a mile away.

Because underneath it all—

Your fight-or-flight response is just trying to keep you alive.

6. You Feel Disconnected from Yourself

You’re an amazing friend.

Your girlfriends tell you their problems because they know you’ll listen.

You always know how to console someone who is having a rough day.

Empathize? You got it.

But ask yourself:

When was the last time you asked someone how they were doing?

Not how their day was.

How they were.

Inside.

You feel.

“Disconnected from yourself” is an understatement.

Survival mode disconnects you from your body.

You’re out of touch with your own emotions.

If someone asked how you were doing right now, what would you say?

Your mind goes blank.

Why?

Because you’re never asked that question.

You know other people’s needs. But you have zero clue what you need right now.

Not because you’re stubborn.

Busy.

“I don’t have time” brain.

But because surviving has taught you to ignore your own instincts to keep others comfortable.

Fill in the blank:

“I know what everyone needs… but ____.”

Allow yourself to feel whatever pops into that blank.

Survival mode has trained you to focus on everyone else’s needs before your own.

7. You Have Zero Clue How to Receive Help

You never ask for help.

And if someone randomly brings it up to you, you laugh it off.

“I’m fine.” Duh.

Why would you need help?

That’s not how you function.

You’re independent.

Except when you’re not.

You struggle to relax around people—even when you want to.

You just can’t unwind.

You’re always waiting for something to pop up.

For the other shoe to drop.

For someone to say something—then you can cry over it.

You survived traumatic or invalidating things by going it alone.

You don’t like relying on people because what if they leave?

Your mind and body will freak out if you receive too much help.

It’s easier to have zero clue how to ask for help than to get comfortable and have people suddenly leave.

You know this isn’t true, but that doesn’t change how your body feels when someone checks in on you.

Here’s what changed that for me:

Asking for tiny bits of help that didn’t “require” explanations.

Letting my husband hold the door open for me.

Allowing my brother to watch trash TV with me and not have to fill the silence.

“Can you pass the salt?”

“Will you help me study?”

It didn’t take away all my anxiety about people abandoning me overnight. But it reminded my body that allowing people to care about me wasn’t just one giant test.

Survival mode has you numbed out to receiving support.

Allowing little things in brings your body back to life.

8. Your Body Tension Has No Explanation

Who else hates when people are like:

“OMG, my shoulders are so tense right now!”

Ultra-mega-business-jumping-to-save-the-world shoulders over here.

No amount of yoga has taught you how to relax like “normal” people.

You try to stretch it out and your body doesn’t know how to relax.

What do you mean “let it go”? It’s been clenching for years.

I get it.

We’ve all seen those Instagram yogis that are like:

AND THEN I RELEASED ALL OF MY TENSION THROUGH YOGA!

If only it were that easy.

But here’s the thing:

Your body keeps a memory of the tension you used to hold.

On purpose.

Your body once thought it had to be ready for impact all the time.

And now it kind of still does.

How can I let go of tension I don’t know I have?

I didn’t realize just how much tension I was holding in my body until I started doing posture checks whenever I…

Ate lunch
Picked up my phone
Sat at my desk

Stop playing the subconscious comparison game with yourself.

What helped me “feel” the tension I was holding?

Do posture checks when you:

Stop at a red light
Get in your car
Sit down at your desk

I’d simply ask my body:

“Where do I feel tense?”

And I’d release whatever my body offered.

It didn’t have to be everything.

Just one thing.

Your body isn’t trying to trick you.

Survival mode made you think holding tension was normal.

Tracking where your body is holding tension teaches you that none of your “alarms” are going off right now.

9. Peace Is Boring

You’d rather listen to music, watch TV, or have Netflix on while doing literally anything else.

You love cozy nights in, but being around other people drains you.

If given the option to be by yourself or be around people, you’ll choose yourself every time.

Even when you want to be “social.”

Peace and quiet feel… numbing.

A lack of something.

Empty.

You don’t know how to sit with yourself.

You love your friends. Hate being lonely? No.

But something about “nothing” happening makes you anxious.

Which is wild.

Because a lot of “nothing” happened when you were growing up or self-healing.

I used to flood myself with distractions.

Anything to keep my mind occupied:

Sketching
Podcasts
Playing guitar
Movies
Reruns of HGTV

Anything.

My mind knew how to keep me busy when I needed to zone out, but it didn’t know how to settle down.

Not because you’re restless.

Your body feels unsafe when there isn’t anything happening.

Distraction is your drug of choice.

Allow yourself to be bored.

For real.

No phones.

Turn on a podcast, but lie on the couch and do nothing.

You’ll notice your mind panic.

It’s okay.

You’re teaching your body that calm and peace are normal.

Survival mode leaves your mind constantly searching for the next “safe” thing to do.

Letting yourself be okay with “nothing” reconditions your mind to know nothing is chasing you.

10. You Believe You Have to Earn Peace

You think you “deserve” to feel tired.

I know.

We all joke about how tired we are all the time.

But when do you actually feel rested?

Go on.

Be honest.

You feel like you have to earn calm.

Like one day, when you’ve “figured life” out, you’ll be able to relax.

You earned it.

You didn’t used to be this way.

You didn’t always believe peace was something you had to work toward.

You think you have to prove how tired you are for it to “count.”

Slack at work? Don’t do it.

What if you took a mental health day and actually relaxed?

You don’t deserve peace.
You are allowed to rest.

Just because.

Try it.

Survival mode taught you peace is something you have to work for.

Life is something you have to battle to keep.

Allow yourself to settle into goodness.

You don’t have to earn peace.

You already have it.

Final Thought

If you see yourself in any of these signs, it’s okay.

Survival mode doesn’t mean you’re broken.

It means your body was fighting for you long before you knew you needed it to.

Living while depressed and anxious is a constant battle between your mind telling you to slow down and your body convincing you that nothing is okay right now.

My wish for you, if you read this whole thing:

You’re allowed to heal.

You don’t have to keep going like nothing is wrong.

You’re allowed to enjoy good moments again.

You’re allowed to tell your body: We’re safe.

Let yourself feel it sink in.

Not as a friend would.

Your body.

Right now.

Survival mode is the mind and body’s logical response to chaos.

You are allowed to leave it behind.

When you’re ready.

With permission from the soul who taught you how to survive.

You.

Let go.

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ONWE DAMIAN

Onwe Damian Chukwuemeka is a relationship and self-improvement coach, as well as a final-year law student at the University of Calabar, Nigeria. He has distinguished himself in leadership and service, and has held key positions such as Deputy Director of Public Prosecution in the Students’ Union Government and Justice of the Malabor High Court, University of Calabar, Nigeria. Learn more about him

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