Breakups are some of the most painful and emotional experiences that we all have to face in our lives. They can make you feel lost, confused, and even heartbroken, as you might experience a whirlwind of mixed and pent-up emotions that can cause you to hold on for dear life.
Breakups don’t just happen in long-term relationships; they can even be hard when it comes to letting go of a fling that meant something to you at one time or another. Letting go is difficult, and as humans, we like things to come to us quickly and easily. But when it comes to the things we care about most, like relationships, that’s one thing we never want to do — LET GO!
If you’re currently going through a breakup of any kind and find yourself struggling to let go or wondering why you can’t move on, then this post is for you. Below are just some of the reasons that can keep you from moving on and how you can heal and let go:
Why It’s Hard to Let Go After a Breakup
1. Emotional Attachment and the Brain’s Response
A lot of the pain and loss of rational thought when it comes to losing someone has to do with the brain. When we fall in love and develop an emotional attachment to someone, the feel-good chemicals our body produces — like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin — become more active in our lives and brain functions.
In simple terms, the more attached we are to someone, the more these chemicals affect how we feel about them, and can even create thoughts and ideas like the need to be with this person.
Our brains actually release feel-good hormones every time we are with someone we love or find attractive. This gives us a form of “high,” which, in the long run, strengthens the relationship between you and your partner.
This can go on for long periods, depending on the intensity and consistency of the relationship. Because of this chemical and physical bonding, the part of your brain that holds these chemicals and keeps you attached to this person can be referred to as the pleasure center.
In a way, it’s as if your brain has become addicted to the relationship, which explains the great pain and effort some people go through before they are able to let go. So when the relationship ends, your brain immediately goes into “withdrawal mode,” which makes it very difficult to let go at first.
Related: Should I Tell My Boyfriend I Cheated?
2. The Fear of the Unknown
We live our lives with such a sense of comfort and familiarity that even the thought of losing that can be painful and keep us from moving forward with other relationships and potential partners. When we’re in a relationship, we not only get used to having someone around, but we also build lives and make plans with them for the future. The fear of the unknown after losing them can sometimes be too much to bear.
So when a breakup occurs, not only do you feel the immediate effects of the breakup, but you’re also forced to face the harsh reality of the uncertainty of the future. The future without them in your life. The future with new and unfamiliar people around. The fear of the unknown can be so overwhelming that one may not want to move on and let go completely after a breakup.
In the meantime, it is important to remember that change is the only thing that is constant in our lives. Even though change and the unknown may feel difficult at first, it doesn’t mean it will be a worse experience.
As human beings, we tend to do things over and over, finding comfort in familiarity. But with new and unfamiliar things, we often develop a sense of fear because of the unknown.
Related: 6 Things a Woman Should Not Do After a Breakup
3. Ruminating on “What Could Have Been”
One of the most common reasons people find it hard to move on and let go after a breakup is that they are still thinking about “what could have been.” “What if I had been a little more patient?” “What if I had tried a little harder?” “What if I had given them more attention?” “What if we could have worked it out?” “Is there any way we can reconcile?”
These are just some of the thoughts that can go through your mind and make it impossible to move on at first. If you’re still looking for answers and haven’t received the closure you deserve, or if you haven’t gotten an answer or resolution from your ex regarding the cause of the breakup, it becomes almost impossible to move on. You will be consumed by “what if” questions.
This can be a dangerous cycle because some of these questions might linger and resurface long after the relationship is over. In other cases, the same questions you have in your mind might even be asked by your ex. In most cases, we can never know the answers, and no amount of “what if” questions will give us the clarity we need.
Related: How to Make a Breakup Easier
4. Self-Identity and Losing Yourself in the Relationship
We like to define ourselves by our relationships — by who we are with, how we are seen with them, and the impact they have on our lives. Your relationship with your significant other is one that is most likely to have a direct impact on the way you define yourself as a human being in the modern world.
As a result, when we invest a lot of time and effort into the relationship, we are indirectly investing that time and effort into that person, as they become part of who we are. When they leave, it feels like the collapse of your identity within the relationship, and you may experience an internal conflict: “Who am I without them in my life?”
If it was a long-term relationship, you probably built your life around that person, that relationship, and that lifestyle. As a result, letting go feels like you’re letting go of yourself. This can be a great source of pain and discomfort and might be one of the reasons why you can’t let go of your ex after the relationship has ended.
Related: 8 Things That Break Every Woman’s Spirit
5. Unresolved Feelings and Lack of Closure
The majority of breakups today come with no form of closure. Some may have been a shock to you, while others may have been the result of unresolved issues or problems that were never really solved.
In both cases, you will be left with a lot of questions like, “Why did they do this?” “What happened?” “What did I do to deserve this?” or more bitter questions like, “Was it all my fault?”
Questions like these don’t have answers, and if you don’t have closure, those questions will linger long after the breakup, making it even harder to move on.
Many people go through one-sided breakups where it’s not their choice or they simply had no warning or form of clarity before the breakup. This is one of the most painful experiences because, with unresolved issues and no closure, you’ll always be left with the questions mentioned above.
Thankfully, there are things we can do to move on from even the worst of relationships and help us let go once the relationship is over.
Related: How To Recover From A Breakup
6. Hope for Reconciliation and the “Maybe” Fantasy
The most dangerous thing when it comes to moving on and trying to get over someone after a breakup is hope. Hope that your ex will reach out to you, that they miss you, and that there’s a chance things can work out in the future.
Hoping for a chance to reunite after a breakup can be one of the greatest letdowns for many people because things may not always work out like that.
Hope and the “maybe” fantasy can keep most people from moving on. The hope that things might work out in the future can be one of the most comforting feelings, but it keeps you stuck in the past, waiting for something to happen when all you need to do is focus on the present and what you can do for yourself right now.
7. The Pain of Loss and Grief
At the end of the day, a breakup of any kind is a loss. A loss of someone you cared about and loved, and the life you may have shared or planned to share. Grief is a normal human reaction to this type of loss, so it’s important to let yourself grieve and feel the pain. If you choose to ignore it, the feelings will resurface and haunt you later.
Do not stifle your emotions and don’t pretend to be fine when you aren’t. Like any other process, grief needs time and space to develop and heal. There will be good days and bad days, and that’s okay. The most important thing is to let go. Allow the healing process to take its course, and over time, things will get better.
How to Let Go After a Breakup
As we’ve already mentioned, it takes time to get over someone. In fact, the more invested you were in the relationship and the more important it was to you, the longer it might take to let go. However, there are some steps that can help you move on and let go after a breakup:
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Give yourself time – Healing takes time, and no one is immune to this process.
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Set boundaries with your ex – Limit contact with your ex, at least in the early stages of healing. You can gradually increase contact over time if needed.
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Focus on self-care – Engage in activities that help you feel good about yourself. This could include working out, meditating, or watching movies.
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Reflect and learn – Take time to reflect on the relationship and what you might have contributed to its end. Don’t dwell on this, but take what you can from it and move forward.
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Seek support – Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your feelings. This will help you heal.
Conclusion
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to letting go after a breakup. As human beings, some of us may take a little longer than others to heal, and that’s okay.
The important thing is to do everything in your power to heal and let go of the relationship so that you can move on to better, more fulfilling things and people in the future. Remember, a closed door may shut one path, but it always opens another.
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