7 Things To Do When You're In A Sexless Relationship

I receive emails like this more frequently than you might expect.

Many are sent to me in the middle of the night—hesitant, with carefully chosen words. Guilty for wanting. Afraid of what things are becoming between them.

“I love my wife, but we haven’t had sex in months.”

“We fight about sex all the time but never go near each other.”

“It feels like we’re roommates.”

“I’m exhausted from being rejected every time.”

If any of that sounds familiar, please know this: being in a sexless relationship does not necessarily mean your relationship is failing.

What it does mean is that something is broken. Period.

Your relationship simply needs attention.

Attention that is kind, honest, and consistent.

Let’s get down to business. Today, we’re going to cover what to do when you’re in a sexless relationship—step by step.

We’ll talk about how to navigate the tricky emotions without shame, without blame, and with real strategies that actually work.

What Does It Mean to Be in a Sexless Relationship?

Being in a “sexless relationship” usually means there is little to no sexual intimacy over a prolonged period of time. Some people define this as having sex fewer than 10 times per year, but the number itself doesn’t really matter.

What does matter is how the lack of sex makes you and your partner feel emotionally.

Safety? Threatened.
Closeness? Drifting.
Satisfaction? Frustrated.

Some couples have sex once a year and still feel deeply connected. Others have sex twice a week and feel nothing for each other. So rather than getting hung up on numbers, ask yourself:

Is the level of sex in our relationship satisfying for both me and my partner?

If the answer is no, it’s time to take action.

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9 Signs You’re in a Sexless Relationship (and May Not Realize It)

Relationships don’t usually become sexless overnight.

In most cases, there’s a slow decline over time—until one day you realize things aren’t what they used to be. These are red flags that you may be in a sexless relationship:

1) You don’t feel like dating your partner anymore

Beyond just sex, you don’t want each other the way you once did.

2) You don’t touch as much

Not only is sex gone, but physical affection in general has diminished.

3) One partner goes out of their way to avoid sexual intimacy

Staying late at work, scrolling on the phone instead of going to bed together, constant “busyness.”

4) You experience repeated rejection

One partner initiates and is continually turned down. Eventually, they stop trying—and resentment builds.

5) You’re afraid to bring it up

Any attempt to talk about intimacy leads to blame, shame, arguments, or emotional shutdown.

6) You feel lonely in your relationship

You can love someone and still feel unseen and undesired.

If any of these sound familiar, please don’t berate yourself. Sexual intimacy is one of the primary bonding languages for most adults. When it disappears, your brain and body often respond with real grief.

Here’s how to start turning things around:

7 Steps to Take When You Find Yourself in a Sexless Relationship

1) Don’t treat it as just a sex problem

This is where most couples get it wrong. A lack of sex is usually a symptom of something else.

Stress. Resentment. Poor communication. Exhaustion. Avoidance. Unhappiness. Lack of appreciation. Blame. Erectile dysfunction or painful intercourse. Mental health struggles. Porn-related intimacy issues. Body image concerns. Emotional disconnection.

Sometimes it’s simply a mismatch in libido that’s been ignored for too long.

Sexual intimacy is never just a sex problem. If you focus only on scheduling more sex, you’ll miss the deeper issue:

What is happening between you that makes intimacy feel difficult, unsafe, or undesirable?

Shift your mindset from “fixing a problem” to “helping your partner.” That alone can release pressure and turn you into teammates instead of opponents.

2) Talk about it—outside the bedroom

I cannot stress this enough:

Do not bring up the lack of sex while trying to be intimate, after an argument, or in the middle of rejection.

Timing is everything.

Shame + rejection = resistance.

Use gentle language like:

“I miss connecting with you and want to understand what’s been going on between us.”
“I’ve been feeling lonely, and I don’t want us to fall into resentment.”
“Can we take 10 minutes to talk about intimacy—not to assign blame, but to reconnect?”

3) Get curious

Each of you likely has a different meaning attached to sex.

For one partner: security, love, relaxation, reassurance.
For the other: pressure, stress, performance, fear of failure.

Ask questions like:

“What helps you feel safe with intimacy?”
“What makes you feel disconnected from me?”
“When did you start feeling distant?”
“What do you miss about us?”
“What’s one thing you wish I understood about you?”

Often, the lower-desire partner isn’t rejecting you—they’re avoiding what sex has come to represent: pressure, failure, conflict, or emotional exhaustion.

4) Rule out medical and mental health factors

This matters more than most people realize.

Libido can be affected by:

Anxiety and depression
Hormonal changes (postpartum, perimenopause)
Low testosterone or thyroid issues
Chronic pain
Sleep problems
Medication side effects
Trauma or past abuse
Burnout and stress overload

Sometimes simply saying:

“Are you open to ruling out any physical or mental health issues—just so we know there isn’t something else going on?” can feel deeply supportive.

5) Rebuild emotional intimacy first

You cannot make someone want sex.

But you can create conditions where desire can return.

Spend 10 minutes daily talking without phones.
Hug, hold hands, and show affection without expectation.
Share stress and responsibility.
Apologize sincerely and change behavior when needed.

Sex often stops not because love is gone—but because emotional safety is.

6) Create a “safe zone” for non-sexual touch

If every touch feels like pressure for sex, your partner will begin avoiding all intimacy.

Agree to:

Cuddle without expectation
Kiss without it “leading somewhere”
Hold hands
Give massages
Spend time simply being close

Less pressure = more desire.

7) Seek help—and recognize when effort is one-sided

Many couples can heal with honest conversation and intention. Others need professional support, especially when there’s trauma, resentment, or betrayal.

If every discussion becomes a fight, your partner shuts down, or the cycle never changes, a therapist can help.

But if one partner refuses to communicate, refuses help, and refuses repair, then the issue may go deeper than sex.

That’s not intimacy. That’s disconnection without accountability.

You deserve more than that.

Closing Thoughts

A sexless relationship can bring embarrassment, loneliness, and frustration—especially when you still love your partner.

Avoidance will not fix it.
Silence will not heal it.
Guilt will not create desire.

Relationships take work.

Work to understand why things changed.
Work to create safety.
Work to rebuild the intimacy you once shared.

You are not asking too much by wanting to feel wanted.
You are not needy for wanting closeness.

You deserve a relationship where your needs matter just as much as your partner’s—and where you can have these conversations without feeling guilty for having a heartbeat.

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ONWE DAMIAN

Onwe Damian Chukwuemeka is a relationship and self-improvement coach, as well as a final-year law student at the University of Calabar, Nigeria. He has distinguished himself in leadership and service, and has held key positions such as Deputy Director of Public Prosecution in the Students’ Union Government and Justice of the Malabor High Court, University of Calabar, Nigeria. Learn more about him

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