I used to wonder why conversations about my feelings always left me confused, guilty… and somehow less than when I walked into them. I’d muster up courage, speak calmly, try to explain how something made me feel—and somehow walk away apologizing for saying anything at all. For years, I believed I just wasn’t good at communication.
Boy, was I wrong.
The feelings I experienced whenever someone refused to validate my reality were normal reactions to being confronted by a narcissistic person.
If you’ve ever had an earnest conversation with someone about how they hurt you, only to feel blamed, dismissed, or mentally whipped around—then pulled back in the moment they start speaking—you know exactly what I’m talking about. Conflict with a narcissist doesn’t feel like conflict. It’s rarely productive. Instead, it becomes a performance where your emotions are silenced while their ego reigns supreme.
Today, I want to break down what really happens when you confront a narcissist, how to spot the signs while it’s happening, and how you can protect yourself when it does.
Why Narcissists Find Conflict So Threatening
Most people can receive feedback without falling apart. Yes, it might sting—but we can reflect, apologize, and learn. Narcissists can’t.
Confrontation is a threat to their identity.
They’ve built their entire lives around being right, superior, admired, or in control. When you say something like, “This hurt me,” they don’t hear vulnerability. They hear a threat to their ego.
Feedback isn’t information to them. It’s an emotional attack they must stop.
You know how your whole body goes into protection mode when you feel scared? Theirs does too. Except instead of staying grounded and problem-solving, they go on the offensive to protect themselves.
Understanding why confrontation felt so terrifying to my ex helped me stop expecting “normal” behavior from someone incapable of being normal.
Related: How to Conflict Narcissistic Behavior Without Conflict
How Narcissists Typically React to Confrontation
You confront them about something they said or did. And nine times out of ten, they’ll react in a familiar way. It may look different from person to person, but the intention is always the same: avoid accountability and regain control.
Here are the ways I’ve most often seen narcissists respond:
1. Denial
You tell them what happened. You share how it made you feel. And they respond with:
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“That never happened.”
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“You’re taking it too personally.”
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“You’re exaggerating.”
Sound familiar?
This is where gaslighting usually begins. Denial makes you question your reality. You may start believing you’re too sensitive. Too emotional. Dramatic. Over time, you lose trust in yourself. That’s why I used to replay conversations over and over in my head, convincing myself I must be crazy if he denied it all.
You weren’t.
Denial is their safety net. If they can erase the event, they don’t have to deal with your feelings.
Related: 10 Signs Of A Narcissistic Grandmother
2. Deflection
If denial fails, they deflect.
You: “You hurt my feelings.”
Them: “Why are you complaining? Look at what you did.”
They’ll say anything to change the subject. Suddenly, your mistakes are highlighted—not theirs.
Narcissists deflect to stay off-topic. Your topic. The focus is no longer on how they made you feel—it’s on how you screwed up.
An easy way to derail conflict? Poke holes in someone’s feelings.
3. Rage or Intimidation
Some narcissists go all in. They raise their voice. Become aggressive in their body language. Slam doors. Yell. You know the drill.
Intimidation forces you to shut down.
It conditions you to associate speaking your truth with anger or danger. Over time, you stop saying anything at all “just to avoid that reaction.” Every confrontation feels unsafe.
It happened to me.
Related: How Narcissists React When You Cry
4. Playing the Victim
“Aw, now I’m the bad guy?”
All of a sudden, they’re spiraling about how terrible they are.
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“I never do anything right.”
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“I’m so stupid.”
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“Sorry you had to deal with me.”
Now you feel awful for confronting them.
Here’s the truth: they’re not overwhelmed by the conversation. They’re overwhelmed by the fact that you’re not doing what they want.
Playing the victim is another way to make you feel bad so they don’t have to.
5. Silent Treatment
You speak up. And instead of responding, they punish you with silence.
They ignore you. Withdraw affection. Act like you don’t exist.
The goal is simple: punish you into shutting up.
The silent treatment conditions you to avoid confrontation—even when you’re hurting—because you don’t want to deal with the fallout.
I learned that “picking your battles” often meant some would never be fought.
Why You Leave Feeling… You Know
“I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“I’m overreacting.”
We’ve all had that conversation with a narcissist—the one where you walk away feeling hollow.
And the reason you feel that way has nothing to do with you being wrong.
It means someone took your emotions, flipped them, and projected themselves back onto you.
Letting a narcissist carry none of the emotional weight is a slippery slope. You begin burying your feelings to keep them comfortable. Then you rewrite your own experience to fit their story. Eventually, you may decide you never should have felt that way in the first place.
Soon, you won’t just abandon your feelings in that relationship—you’ll abandon them everywhere.
Before I learned how to recognize a narcissist’s game, I believed conflict with my husband would look different if I just said the right thing. I rehearsed conversations in my head, searching for the one perfect approach that would finally reach him.
It didn’t.
There isn’t a magical way to say something that will penetrate a wall.
Related: How Narcissists React When You Finally Pull Away
What Confrontation Will Not Do With a Narcissist
It won’t make them:
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Suddenly self-aware
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Empathetic
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Change long-term
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Truly understand you
Someone with narcissistic tendencies may say these things—but it won’t be genuine. They may promise change, but the patterns return. They may become thoughtful for a moment, especially if they fear losing you—but it won’t last.
Trust me. I tried everything.
Yelling. Whispering. Threats. Tears. Calm talks. Avoiding talks. Talking while doing the dishes. Not talking while doing the dishes.
Same. Exact. Results.
Something had to change. But it wasn’t me.
How to Speak Your Truth Without Losing Yourself
I’m not saying you should never confront a narcissist. What I am saying is that if you do, you have to play smarter—not harder.
Here’s what helped me.
1. Get Clear on Your Intention
Before you speak, ask yourself:
What is my intention for saying this?
If your answer is, “I want them to feel bad,” or “I want them to change,” prepare for disappointment.
Try this instead:
“I want to express how I feel and stand in my truth.”
When your goal is rooted in you, their reaction can’t take that away.
2. Say Less
Less is more.
You don’t need to give them extra material to twist.
Say how you feel. Name the behavior. Stop.
“I felt ignored when you left the room while I was speaking.”
That’s it.
You don’t need to justify your pain.
3. Don’t Argue Your Reality
“If it didn’t happen like that…”
Suddenly they’ll list 748 reasons why you are the problem.
Don’t bite.
You know what you experienced.
Your feelings are valid.
4. Watch Patterns, Not Words
Apologies will come. Promises will be made.
Pay attention to what happens after the conversation.
Consistency tells the truth.
5. Know Your Limits Before You Speak
This was the biggest lesson for me.
You can’t control how someone reacts. But you can control what you will tolerate.
Ask yourself:
If nothing changes, how much am I willing to endure?
Answer honestly—and live by it.
Confronting someone with narcissistic tendencies will never feel “normal.” Because the truth is—they aren’t normal.
But you are.
You are allowed to advocate for yourself. You are allowed to expect respect. You don’t have to accept less than you deserve. And you don’t have to keep unpacking your pain with someone who thrives on pushing your buttons.
Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is step back and protect your peace.
Speak your truth. Arm yourself with understanding. And remember:
You are valid—no matter how many people refuse to see it.
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