Infertility is an emotional and personal topic. It can make people feel vulnerable, alone, and misunderstood. It is only natural to want to be there for a friend who is going through it, support them, and show you care. However, infertility can be challenging to talk about, and it is not always easy to know what to say or what to avoid saying.
While some comments may come from a place of kindness, there are several things you could say to an infertile friend that could unintentionally hurt them, invalidate their feelings, or make them feel worse. In this blog post, we will go over some of the worst things to say to an infertile friend and how to support them with kindness, sensitivity, and love.
What Not To Say To Your Infertile Friend
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“Just Relax, It Will Happen When You Stop Trying”
This is an all-too-common phrase and probably the number one piece of unwanted advice anyone struggling with infertility receives. The logic behind it is that if they’re stressed about trying to get pregnant or “obsessing” over it, then that could be the problem.
While relaxing and taking care of your mental health is essential for both physical and mental well-being, infertility is most likely caused by biological, medical, or genetic issues that are in no way the fault of, or related to, how “relaxed” the person is.
Chances are, your friend has already tried everything they can, and by telling them to “just relax,” you’re making it seem like you don’t take their struggle seriously. Infertility is not something that can be solved by “trying less” or “taking a break.”
Better alternative: Show emotional support without implying that your friend’s infertility is somehow their fault. For example, “I can’t even imagine how you must feel, but I am here for you when you need me.”
Related: 13 Clear Signs of Bad Friendship
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“Have You Tried [Insert Unsolicited Suggestion Here]?”
Humans love to believe that they have the magic cure for infertility that can help everyone, and everyone seems to have a special suggestion of what people struggling with infertility should be doing. While certain diets or treatments can indeed work for some people, it is important to remember that your friend’s journey is theirs alone.
By suggesting that they try something that “worked for your cousin’s neighbor,” you’re implying that they haven’t already thought of it or tried it themselves.
While you may be coming from a place of love and support, suggesting an unproven or alternative treatment might cause your friend more stress and frustration and imply that what they are currently doing is “not good enough.”
Better alternative: Simply ask if there is anything you can do for your friend, and if they need any support or help. “Is there anything I can do to support you in any way right now?”
Related: Loyalty in friendship: How To Be A Loyal Friend Your Friends Will Be Proud of
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“At Least You Don’t Have Kids to Worry About”
This is one of the most offensive and dismissive things you can say to someone struggling with infertility. Yes, having children does present its own unique set of challenges and worries, but it is not a simple “either/or” situation, and infertility is by no means something your friend would “choose” in lieu of having kids.
It’s likely that your friend has always wanted to experience the joys of parenthood, so by telling them that they’re “lucky” to not have to worry about kids, you’re making them feel like you don’t care about their pain and loss. Infertility is about more than just “not having kids.” It’s also about unfulfilled dreams, the future, and the struggle of not knowing if any treatments they try will work.
Better alternative: Offer your friend empathy for the struggle they are experiencing and an understanding of their pain. For example, “I know this must be really hard for you, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
Related: 18 Clear Signs Your Friendship is Over
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“It Could Be Worse; Some People Have It Much Harder”
It is human nature to compare, and some people may be going through things that are objectively harder than what your friend is going through, but that does not make your friend’s situation any less difficult. Comparing different levels of struggle, especially by minimizing or belittling your friend’s struggle, is never the way to go.
Infertility is a huge emotional and physical burden, and your friend’s feelings on the matter should not be invalidated or minimized just because other people have it “worse.”
Better alternative: Acknowledge their struggle and show your support without comparing them to other people. “I know I can’t understand what you’re going through, but I’m here for you no matter what.”
Related: 30 Friendship Text Messages to send to your Friend
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“I Know Someone Who Got Pregnant After Adopting”
This statement, while innocuous on the surface, can have a sting to it and sound like you’re suggesting adoption as a “plan B” in case they fail at having children the biological way. Adoption is a beautiful thing, and it is a wonderful choice for many, but it is also very emotionally charged, especially for someone struggling with infertility.
Your friend might have been thinking about adoption, they might have already tried it, or they may not be ready for it yet. But by telling them that they should just go and adopt first, you’re making them feel pressured, as if you’re trying to push them into a decision they’re not ready for.
Better alternative: Instead of pushing adoption, simply offer your friend support regardless of what they decide to do. “I know there are so many different ways to grow your family, and I will support you in whatever you choose.”
Related: Why You Should Always Put Yourself First
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“It’s Just Not Your Time Yet”
Saying this to someone struggling with infertility can sound flippant and dismissive, as if it is all part of some grand plan and a phase that will pass. It also sounds insensitive, as if you’re implying that their struggle is all part of some “test” that will eventually be over.
Infertility is a medical condition, not a matter of fate or timing, and by telling someone it’s “just not their time yet,” you’re implying that they’re not “meant” to be a parent in the first place.
Better alternative: Offer a little bit of reassurance while also showing empathy to your friend. “I know this is really hard on you, and I’m hoping the best for you in your journey.”
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“You Can Always Try IVF or Other Treatments”
While IVF and other fertility treatments are important and wonderful options for many people, this sentence can also sound dismissive, as if it’s an automatic solution for anyone who wants a child. In reality, IVF is not a simple decision—it can be emotionally, financially, and physically daunting, and some people may not want to explore that route just yet, or at all. For some, IVF is an uncertain option with no guarantees.
Better alternative: Offer your friend some assurance and respect their process and their choices. “I’m here for you no matter what, whether you want to explore treatment options or not. I know you’re doing what’s right for you.”
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“Maybe You’re Just Not Meant to Be a Mom”
This is one of the most emotionally damaging things you can say to a person struggling with infertility. It implies that their worth and identity are solely tied to being a parent, and if they can’t achieve that, their journey doesn’t matter.
This can have devastating emotional consequences and lead to feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy. It’s essential not to say anything remotely close to this.
Better alternative: Remind your friend that their worth as a person has nothing to do with being a parent or not. “You are such an amazing person, and I’ll support you no matter what the future holds.”
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“Why Don’t You Just Adopt?”
While adoption can be a great choice, it’s also a decision that is not to be taken lightly. Infertile couples often want to have biological children, and while adoption may be on their plate, it is not always the answer.
Pushing someone into something like this, especially when they’re struggling with infertility and might not be in the right headspace for it, can feel like you’re ignoring their personal journey and their desires.
Better alternative: Respect your friend’s personal journey and their choices. “I’ll be here for you no matter what decision you choose. I know it’s not easy, and I support you either way.”
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“You’re So Strong, You’ll Get Through This”
While well-intentioned, words like these can also put added pressure on your friend. They might lead them to feel like they need to handle the situation better or make them feel like they can’t be vulnerable or upset.
Infertility is an emotional rollercoaster, and it’s essential for your friend to have the space to experience any emotion they need. By telling them they’re strong, you’re inadvertently taking that space away.
Better alternative: Validate their feelings and let your friend know that whatever they are feeling is okay. “I know this is such a difficult journey for you, and I am here for you through all of it.”
How to Be a Supportive Friend During Infertility
Your role as a supportive friend to someone struggling with infertility is not to offer solutions or advice but to provide a safe, empathetic space for them to share their feelings. Here are some other things you can do to be a good friend:
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Listen more than you talk – Your friend might just need someone to vent, cry, or rant to. Let them offload as much as they need.
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Respect their boundaries – Every person experiences infertility differently. Be sure to ask how much they’re comfortable sharing and don’t pressure them into talking about it when they don’t want to.
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Offer specific help – Infertility treatments can be mentally and physically exhausting. Offer to run errands or be there when they need a break.
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Check in with them – Feeling isolated is a problem for many people dealing with infertility. Make sure to check in on your friend to see how they are doing.
Conclusion
Infertility can be a long and painful journey, but having supportive friends can make it more bearable. By being sensitive to what not to say and offering support, empathy, and kindness, you can show your friend that you’re there for them. Remember, the most important thing you can do as a friend is to be there.
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