What Does It Mean When My Husband Spits on Me?

Warning: This post might get you triggered. But it’s important to face the facts: when your husband spits on you, it’s a big deal. A really big deal.

Let’s be real here, sweetheart. Being spat on by the love of your life is humiliating, plain and simple. No matter how you slice it, it stings — and not in a good way.

I know it’s hard to accept, but this blog post isn’t here to shame you for being in your relationship or to tell you what to do with your marriage.

Instead, it’s here to help you understand what it means when your husband spits on you, why he might have done it, and how you can protect yourself now.

What Does It Mean When My Husband Spits on Me?

1. Spitting Is a Violent Act of Disrespect — Full Stop

Okay, you asked for it. I’m about to go full Mrs. Marvel. Put on your big-girl pants and listen up, because it’s time for a little tough love.

Spitting on someone is flat-out disrespectful.
If you’re spitting at someone, it’s not “miscommunication.” It’s not “stress.” It’s not “accidental.”

Spitting on someone is meant to be disrespectful. It’s a gesture used to show disgust or dominance. Period.

Spitting at your wife sends a message — one that says, “I don’t respect you.”
In any healthy marriage, respect is the foundation. It’s a two-way street. And if your husband doesn’t respect you, it’s not love.

People fight in marriages all the time. We get mad. We raise our voices. We say things we don’t mean. But spitting is different — it takes fighting from emotional to physical. It’s an act of humiliation that degrades another human being, even if done in a moment of blind rage.

2. It’s an Act of Power and Control

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but here it is: when your husband spits at you, nine times out of ten, it’s not really about the issue you were fighting over in the first place.

Most likely, it’s about him.

Here’s the truth: spitting in a relationship is almost always a show of power. It’s a statement. Spitting is something people do when they want to feel superior — like saying, “I’m better than you.” It’s not a reasonable response to conflict. It’s an attempt to demean and control. It’s an abusive act.

For people with narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies (and yes, your husband could display these traits without realizing it), physical gestures like spitting are a way to exert control over another person.

If your husband spat on you during a heated argument, he might be trying to regain power by making you feel small. That’s emotional abuse — through and through. And even if he only did it once, it’s a major red flag.

When someone truly respects their partner, they don’t need to demean them to make a point. People who care about their partners find better ways to express anger and frustration. Remember: control is not communication.

3. It Could Be a Red Flag for Emotional or Physical Abuse

Spitting is considered physical assault in most places. It’s a violent act — but it’s also a form of emotional abuse.

Like any abusive behavior, it’s done to control another person by inducing fear and helplessness.

Sometimes, an incident like this might seem isolated. However, if your husband has a history of aggression (throwing things, yelling, name-calling, threatening you, controlling your movements, or isolating you from family and friends), spitting isn’t the start of something — it’s the next step in the cycle.

Before you dismiss it as “the only time he’s ever been physical,” ask yourself these questions:

Has he belittled you or made fun of you for expressing your feelings?
Has he ever threatened to hurt himself or you if you didn’t comply?
Has he made you feel like you were overreacting when he did something wrong?
Do you feel anxious or unsafe around him after he loses his temper?

If you answered “yes” to any of these, there’s a strong chance you’re in an abusive relationship — even if it’s not always physical.

Spitting is assault. It’s not acceptable. It’s not love.

“But He Said He Was Sorry” — The Apology Trap

So your husband spat on you. Maybe he apologized afterward. Maybe he cried. Maybe he promised it would never happen again.

So, does that mean you’re overreacting by being upset?
Nope. Sorry.

An apology is not a magic reset button.

Listen up: an apology doesn’t erase an act.

If your husband doesn’t change after apologizing, that apology is just a way to get you off his back without taking accountability.

In abusive relationships, there’s often a repeated cycle:

Tension builds.
An explosive event occurs (yelling, hitting, spitting).
Remorse or apology follows.
The honeymoon phase begins (flowers, affection, promises of change).
Tension starts building again.

And then it repeats — over and over, usually getting worse each time.

It’s a manipulative pattern that keeps victims stuck. Because the truth is, an apology doesn’t change what happened.

The Emotional Damage to You

After being spat on, you might feel a mix of emotions — shock, sadness, anger, confusion, and betrayal. That’s normal.

He might say it was an accident or deny it entirely, claiming you “misheard” or provoked him. Or maybe he genuinely doesn’t remember how he moved in that moment. Either way, it hurts.

You might feel:

A loss of trust
Confusion about what really happened
Shock and betrayal
Deep sadness or numbness
Anger and resentment

But here’s what you should not feel: guilt.

You did not provoke him.
You are not responsible for his reaction.
You didn’t ask for it, and you didn’t deserve it.

Even if it only happened once, you have every right to be upset. Healing emotional trauma takes time. You might replay it in your head or question why it hurt so much — but please remember: what happened was not okay.

What It Says About the Relationship

When your husband spits at you, it shows something important about his character and how he handles explosive situations. It’s not romantic. It’s not passion. It’s humiliation.

In that moment, the relationship is broken — because respect has been broken.

Whether it can be repaired depends on several things:

Does he take full responsibility, with no excuses?
Is he willing to attend anger management or counseling?
Has he done something similar before?
Do you feel safe and comfortable being around him again?

If the answers lean toward “no,” or if there’s a pattern of disrespect, then it’s not a safe relationship. A marriage without respect, kindness, and safety isn’t a marriage at all.

What You Can Do Now

I’m not here to tell you exactly what to do. The only person who can make that decision is you.
But here are some things to consider:

a. Your Safety

If you feel scared, threatened, or in danger, get to a safe place — a friend’s house, a family member’s home, or a domestic violence center. You don’t need to make big decisions right away, but you do need to feel safe.

b. Set Boundaries

If you decide to stay, set clear, firm boundaries.
For example:

“What you did was unacceptable. I will not tolerate physical or emotional abuse. If it happens again, I will leave.”

That’s not an ultimatum — it’s a standard. You are allowed to have standards.

c. Get Professional Help

Therapy can help, but if your husband is abusive or controlling, individual counseling is the safest first step for you. Couples counseling only works when both partners are safe and willing to change.

d. Document the Event

If there’s a chance of escalation, document what happened — dates, times, and details. It may help if you need legal or counseling support later.

e. Reach Out for Support

Talk to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group. Speaking out is often the first step toward healing.

What It Does Not Mean

Being spat on by your husband does not mean:

You made him do it.
You asked for it.
It’s normal.
You deserved it.
You’re weak for being upset.

It means he made a choice to cross a line — a choice that is never justified, no matter the argument.

Abuse victims are not weak. It’s not weakness to be affected by abuse — it’s human. The problem lies in the abuser, not the victim.

Healing After the Incident

Whether you choose to stay or leave, healing takes time. The emotional damage from something like this isn’t easy to forget.

Here are some ways to start:

Talk about it: Bottling it up only builds shame.
Rebuild your confidence: Remember who you were before this moment. You are strong, smart, and worthy of love.
Engage in self-care: Walk, read, pray, journal — whatever reconnects you with yourself.
Don’t rush decisions: Take your time. You have every right to decide your next steps when you are ready.

Healing isn’t linear. Some days you’ll feel angry, others numb, and others empowered. Every feeling is valid.

Final Thoughts

Spitting on your wife isn’t “just” anger. It’s an act of humiliation that leaves lasting emotional scars.

In a healthy marriage, there is respect — and without respect, there is no love. When your husband spits on you, he shows that he doesn’t value you as an equal. At that moment, love isn’t present — control is.

Abusive relationships often follow cycles of pressure and release, with brief “honeymoon” phases in between. But those cycles almost always escalate over time.

If your husband spits on you, that’s on him — not you.
You didn’t provoke it. You didn’t deserve it. You’re not weak for feeling hurt.

The choice was his, and his alone.
And you are allowed to feel however you need to feel.

Because love without respect isn’t love at all — and you deserve better.

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ONWE DAMIAN

Onwe Damian Chukwuemeka is a relationship and self-improvement coach, as well as a final-year law student at the University of Calabar, Nigeria. He has distinguished himself in leadership and service, and has held key positions such as Deputy Director of Public Prosecution in the Students’ Union Government and Justice of the Malabor High Court, University of Calabar, Nigeria. Learn more about him

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