47 Marriage Quotes That Will Inspire You

If you’re looking for a good marriage caption or advice on marriage, here are the best marriage quotes from scholars that will inspire your marriage, especially if you’re newly married.

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Marriage quotes

1. “A man who boasts he never made a mistake married a woman who did.” Herbert Prochnow

2. “Some people ask about the secret of the long marriage of myself and my wife. It’s like this. We both go to a restaurant twice a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Thursdays, I go Fridays.” Henny Youngman

3. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Marriage is never having a chance to say anything.” Hal Roach

4. “The ultimate penalty for bigamy is two mothers-in-law.” George Russell

5. “Marriage requires a special talent, like acting. And monogamy requires genius.” Warren Beatty

6. “A bachelor has the right idea about marriage. He knows it’s a device of society designed to make trouble between two people who would otherwise get along very well.” Anthony Quinn

7. “A husband should not insult his wife publicly at parties. He should wait until he gets back to the privacy of the home to do so.” James Thurber

8. “Second marriages collapse at twice the rate of first ones.” Maggie Drummond

9. “If you’re afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.” Ton Chekhov

10. “Before marriage she talks and he listens. After marriage, he talks and she listens. After a few years, nobody talks, and the neighbors listen.” Henny Youngman

11. “Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest.” Elbert Hubbard

12. “These days an old-fashioned marriage is one that outlasts the wedding gifts.” Hal Roach

13. “By all means marry. If you get a good wife you’ll be happy. If you don’t, you’ll become a philosopher.” Socrates

14. “One doesn’t have to get anywhere in a marriage. It’s not a public conveyance.”

15. “The most difficult year in marriage is the one you’re in.” Franklin P Jones

16. “Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.” Zsa Zsa Gabor

17. “The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for supper, and she’s already left a note to say it’s in the fridge.” Bill Lawrence

18. “A little compatibility in marriage is always to be advised-provided the man has the income and the woman is pattable.” Nathan Quigley

19. “When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattentions of one.” Helen Rowland

20. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.” Benjamin Franklin

21. “When a man brings flowers home to his wife for no reason, there’s a reason.” James Simpson

22. “Marriage is a lot like the army. Everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at how many re-enlist.”

23. “Marriage is the process whereby a woman tries to turn a man from an old rake into a lawnmower.” Hal Roach

24. “Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it or she’ll take it anyway.” Joey Adams

25. “Marriage isn’t a word; it’s a sentence.” Henny Youngman

26. “The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.” Colin Chapman

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Inspirational love and marriage quotes

1. “Marriage interferes with romance. Any time you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.” Groucho Marx

2. “Marriage is like pleading guilty to a crime you can’t remember committing, and being sentenced to life imprisonment…without parole.” Artie Shaw

3. “Marriage is the best magician there is. In front of your eyes, it can change a cute little dish into a boring dishwasher.” Jerry Lewis

4. “There are two times in a woman’s life when she doesn’t understand men: (i) before marriage, and (ii) after marriage.” Jean Kerr

5. “Marriage is the process of discovering what type of man your wife would have preferred.” Hal Roach

6. “The reason that husbands and wives don’t understand one another is that they belong to different sexes.” Dorothy Dix

7. “The main problem with marriage is that men won’t act their ages and women won’t tell theirs.” Bob Hope

8. “It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the same reason it is more difficult to show a ready wit all day long than to produce an occasional bon mot.” Honore de Balzac

9. “Marriage is lonelier than solitude.” Beverley Sills

10. “Any woman who thinks marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition either doesn’t understand men or percentages.” Florynce Kennedy

11. “Never marry a man who hates his mother because he’ll end up hating you.” Jill Bennett

12. “A wise woman will always let her husband have her way.” R B Sheridan

13. “I didn’t want to marry her; she didn’t want to marry me. It was obvious we were meant for each other.” Eddie Fisher on his relationship with Connie Stevens

14. “How marriage ruins a man. It’s as demoralizing as cigarettes… and far more expensive.” Oscar Wilde

15. “Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intent.” Ian Hay

16. “Marriage is like a dull meal with the dessert at the beginning.” Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec

17. “The desire to get married is a basic and primal instinct in women. It’s followed by another basic and primal instinct: the desire to be single again.” Nora Ephron

18. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Marriage means having to say everything twice.” Estelle Getty

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Funny marriage quotes

1. “I feel sure that no girl would go to the altar if she knew all.” Queen Victoria

2. “To get the American divorce rate, get the marriage rate and divide by one.” Zero Mostel

3. “When a man marries his mistress, he creates a job opportunity.” Sir James Goldsmith

4. “Marriage is a wonderful invention. But then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” Billy Connolly

5. “American marriages operate on the premise of ‘Till debt do us part.” Johnny Carson

6. “A man is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.” Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Funny marriage quotes for newly married couples

1. “My husband said he needed more space, so I locked him outside.” Roseanne

2. “I married beneath me. All women do.” Nancy Astor

3. “Wives are like cockroaches. They’ll survive after a nuclear attack.” Lorrie Moore

4. “I went into marriage with both eyes closed. Her father closed one and her brother closed the other.” Max Kauffmann

5. “In Hollywood, men get married in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.” Mickey Rooney

6. “If you’re married, it only takes one to make a quarrel.” Ogden Nash

7. “I love being married. It’s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner